Wont Hurt Him
by ksjf2012
Summary: I don't know how to summarize this story. What I do know is that it is going to be heartbreaking. No way around it. Enjoy! Oh and Slash...so if you don't like that...don't read it. :)
1. Chapter 1

The alarm went off, loud and just out of nowhere. I groaned, opening my eyes and stared at my bright buzzing phone on the nightstand next to the bed. I raised my head off the bed and quickly swiped at the screen, unlocking my phone, and ultimately silencing the loud ringing of the alarm. I sighed out, rolling onto my back and rubbed my eyes with my fists, much like a baby does. I yawned, a small T-Rex noise escaping and raised my knees, bending them. When I lowered my hands form my face, I turned my head to the right and couldn't help but smile. The cutest buddle of man was curled up in a ball next to me, shirtless, clutching around the blanket around him. I turned quickly but softly as to not wake him an lay on my side facing him. He remained sound asleep, so I took the opportunity to put my hand under the blanket and gently rub over his skin on his hip. His eyebrows bunched together as he groaned quietly and then, finally opened his eyes. Shiny light green eyes stared at me, and in the soft moon light coming through the open window behind me, I saw him smile small, but it faded fast. "Is it already 3?" I shook my head softly and scooted closer to him, setting my forehead against his. "How come you're awake?"

"I set my alarm for 2:30 so I could cuddle with you before I left." He smiled bigger closing his eyes, and one of his hands rubbed over my left peck before dipping down behind my back. His hand was cold, but I didn't care. "I don't want to go to work."

"You shouldn't have offered to cover for Matt…" He opened his eyes, giving me his classic, you should have listened to me but I brushed it off. "I think…I think I could motivate you to stay home." He raised an eyebrow and slowly raised himself into a sitting position. He pushed me on my back and quickly climbed on my lap, straddling me. He was completely nude. A very nice surprise for me at 2:30 in the morning. One of his hands went into my sweat pants and grabbed ahold of my limp dick. I closed my eyes smiling and raised my legs pushing him towards me. His hands went to my chest and he dug his fingertips into my skin. "Stay home please? I don't want you to go to work. Especially out in this weather." I laughed opening my eyes and he glared down at me.

"You know I can't Kendall. Besides…I'll be home before you know it. I'll probably be home before you wake up." He rolled his eyes, pushing his hand back in my pants, but I sat up fast. I wrapped an arm around his back and nudged my head into the side of his. I kissed his ear and moved my lips down to his neck where I started to greedily suck.

"Why did I have to fall in love with a paramedic? Why couldn't you have a boring job…like accountant?"

"Or own my own bakery?" My head was hit gently, and then my hair was pulled. I smirked looking up at his face and he smiled back.

"You're lucky you're handsome James. Otherwise…this wouldn't last for very long." I laughed and gently pushed him off me. "Where are you going?"

"Pee…do you mind?" I jumped off the bed, hearing him mumble under his breath, and glanced over my shoulder. He was already getting back under his blankets, yawning and being as cute as ever.

I took a quick shower not even bothering to shave. I was in and out of the shower within a few minutes, and when I got out, I wrapped a towel around my waist loosely and walked back out to Kendall. He was back asleep, which didn't surprise me. I walked to his side of the bed and put my hands outside his head kissing his forehead. "I'm gonna get going here in a minute…I wanna grab some breakfast before I got to work." He opened his eyes and nodded yawning again. "Get some sleep baby…I love you and I'll see you after work." He nodded again, and closed his eyes, snuggling back into the bed. I smiled down at him and stood back up turning to my closet. Dressed, and fully awake, I got in my car and drove to the closest Starbucks. I got my usual Caramel Frappuccino and a breakfast sandwich and went on my way. It was snowing still, from last night, but that was usual for Minnesota in November. It was probably dangerous to drive in this weather, while eating, and drinking but I wasn't going that far.

I felt horrible about where I was going, because I wasn't being honest to the one guy who has done nothing but love me and make me feel amazing. I hated lying to him. It killed me every single time I did, but I had no other choice. Well…that might be a lie. I could just stop. I could actually go to work when I said I was, instead of going to see…him. I honestly think it's the lowest of low, to cheat but, right now, in my state of mind, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was seeing someone, who needed me. More so than Kendall did. Again…that was probably another lie. Kendall needed me. He loved me. And here I was, hurting him and destroying his trust. But what's that saying? What he doesn't know, can't hurt him?

I pulled up to the very familiar apartment complex and parked in a visitor parking space. I got out, taking my coffee with me and hurried up to apartment 14D. I climbed the stairs two at a time, to get out of the cold, but more importantly to see Logan. I stopped at the door and knocked three times shoving my hand into my pocket of my work pants. It didn't take more than 5 seconds for the door to be opened. I couldn't help but burst with happiness. He was wearing a sweater too baggy for him, and a pair of dark blue jeans, covered in paint spots here and there. He moved out of my way and I walked in, grateful for the warmth. "So you got yourself coffee, but none for me?" I smirked unzipping my black jacket and watched him shut and lock his door. He smiled at me as he walked by and went into his kitchen. "I'm just giving you a hard time. You hungry?" I shook my head softly and set my coffee on the counter, standing behind him. He stirred in some sugar and milk and turned to me taking a small sip. I pushed the hood off my head and walked to him, making him press against the counter behind him. He looked down setting his cup next to him and grabbed my sides. I put my hands on his neck and made him look up at me. His eyes locked with mine and I leaned into kiss him, just as his hands moved to my butt and shoved into my pockets. I moved forward just a little, and smashed our lips together. I wanted to devour him in his kitchen but our kiss was cut short. His hands went to mine on his neck, and he pushed away. We stayed close together but his head was turned away from me, blocking his lips form mine. "I need to tell you something before we do anything." I frowned and turned his head back to look at me. He bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes shaking his head. "Yesterday…I got a call from someone about a job." I smiled big and raised my eyebrows. He opened his eyes but when he saw me he chuckled and shook his head again. "It's for a café…well a bakery to be exact." He stopped and both of his hands moved to my belt around my waist. "If this wasn't as bad as we both know it is…Kendall calls me and asks me to redecorate his place." My whole entire world stopped on its axis and my head went blank. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking. But I said yes. I mean…he's very generous with the pay…I mean we still are going to be having a meeting with my guys but…."

"You said yes?" He froze and we locked eyes again. He swallowed hard but nodded, making me back away from him. We lost all contact from each other. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at the ground. "Logan…this is bad…like really bad."

"Well…what do you want me to do? Tell him I can't do it? You don't want me to take this job?" I frowned, but remained quiet. He looked up at me and shrugged, pouting. "Ever since my last job…which was almost a year ago, I've been doing stupid little projects here and there. I've been bored out of my God damn mind, and you know it. I get a chance to finally do what I love, for what I hear, to be an amazing guy, and you have a problem with it?!" I set my hands on the counter edge behind me and clenched my jaw tight. "This wouldn't be a problem if you weren't cheating on your boyfriend! And this wouldn't be a problem if you knew how to be a man and tell him the truth! I'm not going to not take this job just because your banging him, and me! I'm going to that meeting today and I'm telling him I'm taking it whether you like it or not!" He pushed off the counter and made a step to leave the kitchen. I reached out fast and grabbed his arm. He started to fight me…he pushed on my chest hard and made me step back, but I held onto him tight. "Let me go prick!" I spun him to face me and walked him backwards towards his small kitchen table. I shoved him against it, making him sit on the edge. He shoved me again, but wasn't as strong as he usually is.

"I'm sorry…I was just shocked to hear it." He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting like a toddler. "Do you want me to leave him?" He looked up me, mouth partially open and I shrugged. "Just tell me what you want. I'll do it."

"I want to have a real relationship with you. I want to go on real dates with you, and I want to spend more than a few minutes out in public with you, without you being paranoid your boyfriend is going to catch us. Can you make that happen? Without breaking his heart?"

"Why do you care about whether or not his heart is broken?" He laughed pulling himself completely on the table. He folded his hands in his lap and stared at me. "You know…most guys who are with a man having an affair, don't care about the other guy. You don't even know him."

"James you love him…right?" I nodded and swallowed hard. "Do you love me?" I nodded again, this time quicker. "Then prove it to both of us. I'm not going to lie here…I want to be with you, and I want you all to myself. I am selfish and I want you and only you. So…make a choice. And I really want you to pick me. And when you do pick me, I want you to break it to Kendall easy. And gently. Don't just leave him high and dry. Explain to him how we met and what has been happening for the past year."

"It's not that simple Loges." He frowned and wrapped both his legs behind me, pulling me closer to him. "Logan…I can't tell him about the first day we met. I can't tell him I saved your life, and fell hard for you. I can never tell him every time I went to work, I went to see you beforehand or after. I can't tell him every single time I told him a lie, I didn't feel all that bad." I paused and set my hands on his thighs. "I'm not that brave of a guy. Because no matter how easy I try to break it to him, it will still destroy him, and I don't know if I can live with that." He sighed out, and looked down at my hands on his thighs. "I wish this was easier. And I wish I could have both of you at the same time without anyone getting hurt, but I can't and…and I don't know what to do for the time being. So…I'm just…I'm just trying my hardest to make this work and I really need your support."

"You have it…I'm just tired of living a lie. And it's going to be worse when I start working on his bakery."

"You're the one who said yes." He glared at me, giving me a dirty look but I smirked and shrugged. "He's pretty easy to work with. It will be smooth sailing trust me." He only batted his eyelashes at me as he wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me into him. "I have an hour before I need to go to work. Can we make up?" He gave me a cute half smile before pressing his lips into mine, kissing me softly. As I lifted him off of the table and he unbuttoned my work shirt, I knew outside apartment 14D, a few blocks down the road, curled up in a king size bed alone, happy in love with me, was a man who trusted me. He believed me when I told him I was going to work. He believed it every single time. And I don't see myself stopping the lies anytime soon.

What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

_**Howdy guys!**_

_**I'm back! And stronger than ever! I finished A New Beginning…and then had an idea hit me hard in the face. Two people reviewed asking for two separate stories. I mashed them together, so thanks for the idea! Also…I know you're probably thinking…great she has another story started. She's not going to finish the other stories…but not true! I'm going to start on the next chapter for Soul mate, right after I upload this so look out for it!**_

_**Let me know what you think of this story! Be honest!**_


	2. Chapter 2: New Friend Request

I know I had a meeting at 9 on the dot, but I was nervous. I was about to come face to face with a man I've only heard about. I was about to meet the man who had no idea I knew how big his boyfriends dick was. That's nerve racking, only because I don't really know how to keep cool under pressure. If James came up, who knows…I might slip and say. "Oh yeah I know him. I've sucked his dick." Not gonna go over well for me. So sitting in my car, for two minutes past nine was really the only way I could calm myself down. The N*SYNC radio on Pandora helped too.

I got out of my car, wrapping my scarf around my neck once and putting my bag over my shoulder. The quaint little hole in the wall bakery was brightly lit up with Christmas lights already up, and there was a scent of Vanilla and Cinnamon all around. It felt homey and safe. Helped me walk in. When I got in a small bell dinged overhead, making a short guy behind the counter pop up, holding a tray of freshly made muffins. It was a shock to see him. The main reason being, he didn't really look like the type to work at a bakery. He had his right eye brow pierced, along with the right side of his bottom lip, tattoos covering up and down his neck and on the little bit of skin I could see on his arms. He also had huge gauges in his ears, and short brown spikey hair. He was wearing a plain long sleeved grey shirt, with the sleeves pushed up on his arms. But was still wearing the biggest smile I had ever seen on anyone. "Hi! You must be Logan!" I smiled small and walked further into the bakery seeing it almost completely packed. I frowned slightly, wondering how he knew I would be me, but brushed it off. "I'm Carlos. Kendall told me to send you back when you came in so follow me. And please if you see something that looks delicious take it. We also have a fresh pot of coffee brewing right now." I nodded slowly walking towards him, as he set the tray of muffins on the counter and threw a dish cloth over his shoulder. "Hey guys…if you hear that beeper go off, just yell for me. I won't hear it myself." I turned to see a man, sitting in a booth with what looked like his family, all smiling and eating, nod to Carlos. "Alright Logan…Kendall is in the back, back getting in our new shipment of materials but he wants to give you a tour of the place so you can get a feel and then I think he's gonna be talking business, business. He wanted me to make sure you got everything you needed while you're here, so if you need something just get my attention and I will be your right hand man."

"Thanks…I usually have a few guys work with me, but it's been hard to get anyone now a days." We walked back into a huge, clean and bright looking kitchen. There were several people all around stoves and ovens and counters, laughing and doing their job. Carlos looked over at me, both of us at the same eye level and frowned.

"Interior Decorating…you can't get people to help?" I laughed and shrugged blushing. "Oh…oh my God…that's right." He stopped, grabbing my arm and shook his head. "You're the guy who got attacked and almost killed a year or so back, right?" I blushed even harder and swallowed hard looking down between us. "I'm sorry…I just…wow I need to get a longer shovel if I'm gonna be talking to you. Let's go find Kendall." He let me go, and turned quick, walking off. I followed fast grabbing the strap of my brown leather messenger bag on my shoulder and unbuttoned my black pea coat. Carlos pushed open a heavy looking door, and stepped out onto a loading dock, where a truck was being unloaded, by two guys. I immediately buttoned my jacket back up and stood behind Carlos. The two guys noticed us first, but then two more guys who were standing off the side, talking and laughing quietly, spotted us. One of them, a tall blonde holding a clip board smiled big, quickly signed the paper and handed it back to the other guy. The tall blonde turned to us and walked to us, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "Kendall, this is Logan. Logan this is Kendall Knight." Carlos moved out of our way, and pulled down the sleeves on his shirt. I smiled small at Kendall and moved forward extending my hand. Kendall also moved forward, but didn't go to shake my hand. Instead he pulled me in for a big, warm hug. I awkwardly hugged him back, but pulled away fast.

"You look nothing like how I imagined you would look. I thought you would be taller." I laughed, genuinely and shrugged. "No matter…you still have the job. Short or not." I smiled small and nodded watching him turn to Carlos. "How is everyone doing out there?"

"Good. The Smiths are on their second helping. But I told them they could have 20 helpings and we wouldn't care." Kendall nodded and smiled small turning to me.

"So Logan…can I get you anything before we start? I hate to do business on empty stomachs or cold hands. A motto my mom always told me. 'If you send a friend away hungry or cold, you have no friend.'" He nodded to the door behind me and I turned walking beside him.

"Actually…if you have any hot cocoa I would love some." Kendall pushed the door open for me and we walked back into his bakery. As he walked in front of me, he took of his coat, and I glanced to his butt. It was nice. I looked up fast, hearing Carlos behind me and cleared my throat. "You know…usually when I start a job I just get right into it. There is no emotional connection." Kendall looked over his shoulder at me as he pushed open the door to the front room, and I smiled. "You've made me feel more at home in the two minutes I've been here, than any other person in this town." Kendall smiled wide and walked me behind the corner in the front, all the way down to a two private booths, in the back. I got in first, taking off my jacket as I sat. When I sat down, I put my jacket by my body and set my bag on the floor by my feet. Kendall took a seat across from me, while Carlos came by with a coffee pot and a coffee mug. He set it down and poured some for Kendall while turning to me.

"I'll be right back with your hot cocoa. Also some fresh doughnuts." I smiled politely and watched him walk away before turning my attention back to Kendall.

"This place is packed this morning. Not that I find it hard to believe." He poured in some cream from a small cup, and nodded glancing over his shoulder.

"It's actually more packed than usual, because it's our free day of the week." He stirred his coffee and took a small sip before looking at me. "Every week we take the money from tips and buy extra ingredients for all our menu items and come in at 3, to start baking. We open the doors at 5 for everyone and anyone. All of families who are having some troubles financially come in, and have breakfast. A lot of homeless people. Anyone is welcome." I sat back staring at him, taking in his complete form. He had gorgeous green eyes, blonde hair, and a smile that could melt anyone's heart. He was defiantly a looker.

"That's amazing Kendall. I've never heard any business owner willing to have free meal days. I've never heard of a business putting in their hard earned money from their work, to help the less fortunate. It's remarkable."

"We do what we can. In the beginning it was just me, coming in every morning, and offering free samples. But it wasn't enough, ya know. The free food ran out, and I had to turn away good, hungry people. Carlos came up with the idea. And he was the first to put in his tips to pay for the groceries. Than everyone kind of just pooled together and now…it's like any other day." He paused, folded his arms on the table and looked down at his coffee. "I honestly believe my employees would work for free if they got to choose. It's part of my hiring process. If you aren't a good honest person, you probably won't work for me. And I can tell who is and isn't." He glanced up at me and smirked. "Half the reason I wanted you to redo the place." I blushed and crossed my right leg over my left. I bent down slightly and grabbed my bag opening it.

"Well…that's very flattering. I'm happy you chose me." I grabbed my black frayed notebook and a yellow folder. I pushed the folder over to him and cleared my throat. "Usually…I start off with a few questions…what your vision is. What your wish list is. What the budget is…all that. The few papers in there are just explaining everything that I'll talk to you about. So, shall we get started?" Kendall opened the folder and pulled out the first page scratching his chin, nodding. Carlos gently stood next to me and set down a cup and a plate of about 8 or so doughnuts. He walked to Kendall's side and nudged him making him scoot over. He set a water bottle on the table and yanked the page out of his hand. Kendall sighed and stuck his tongue out at Carlos.

"You'll have to excuse my best friend. Although he thinks he's in charge he's not." Carlos chuckled down at the page and then looked up at me.

"Just throwing this out there…I am pretty darn handy with a hammer." I could see it in his eyes he felt bad about our awkward encounter earlier. I sat back putting my notebook on the table and pushed up the sleeves of my black cardigan.

"Well like I said…not a lot of people want to work for me right now. After my accident, I guess I had a target on my back. No one wanted to be associated with me. They still don't. So unless you have a time limit…it's just me. And of course if Carlos wanted to help, he can, although I would hate to take him away from working for you." Kendall laughed sitting back and grabbed his cup.

"Yeah I own the place, and it's under my name, but Carlos does a lot of work here. When I suggested hiring an interior designer he asked to be a part of it. So he's all yours whenever you need." Carlos smiled big at me showing teeth and I chuckled. "As far as time limit goes…if it's at all possible I want to be finished before Thanksgiving. I guess that's your deadline. Also…in terms of pay, whatever you usually charge, double it. I'm paying for all the supplies you need. I mean it's my place…might as well put my money in it." I raised my eye brows slowly and he nodded taking a sip of his coffee.

"Also we've already discussed it…we want this place to look completely different, but still have the same feel, if that makes sense?" I laughed and opened my notebook nodding.

"This place could have all the walls pushed down, and still have the same feel. Paint change and new window curtains aren't going to change what you guys do in here. How this place feels is a reflection of what kind of people you guys are. I could never change that." Kendall seemed to brighten hearing that and we locked eyes. In that moment I wanted to tell him I've been sleeping with his boyfriend. It was in the back of my throat…like vomit. But it never came up. All three of us were pulled away from the current discussion by the sound of the bell overhead. We all looked to the door and a sight that would usually make me jump up as soon as possible, made me feel sick. James came walking in, looking exhausted and cold. He took off the beanie on his head and glanced around shoving the beanie in the pocket of his jacket. Carlos got up so Kendall could also get up, and run out to James. I watched with a pained and heavy heart as Kendall went into James's arms and they embraced. Kendall set his hands on James's red cheeks, while James wrapped both arms around his back, pulling him into him. Kendall stepped on James feet and they kissed. In the kiss I could see Kendall's lips move, as he spoke. Whatever he said, it made James look back and immediately glance around the place. I looked away fast and grabbed my cup of hot chocolate. I drank at least half of it, hearing footsteps coming closer. I looked up and set my cup down just as Kendall was back at the table.

"I'm so sorry for how rude that was…just walking away. Uhm Logan This is my boyfriend James. James this is Logan." I stood up quick and extended my hand at James. He looked at my face before looking at my hand and taking it. Much like every other time he touched me I was set on fire. I didn't even care that his had was ice cold. We shook hands, but pulled away quick.

"Nice to meet you James." I locked eyes with him, getting lost in his hazel orbs, before realizing we were in the company of others. More importantly Kendall.

"You too Logan…Kendall can I steal you away for a minute? I'm on my lunch and I just wanted to talk to you." Kendall rolled his eyes and smiled kindly at me before turning to James and taking his hand. "It was nice to meet you Logan." I waved softly as they walked away, and I cringed seeing James shove his hand in the back pocket of Kendall's pants. I looked down at the table and took my seat again sighing out. I started to organize my papers, while Carlos sat across from me, and I cautiously looked up. He was giving me a big smile. I smiled back and he chuckled leaning forward, folding his hands on the table between us.

"This might seem really, really inappropriate. And you will probably hate me and back out of working for Kendall but I want to ask you something." I raised an eyebrow and he leaned even closer. "Are you seeing anyone?" My mouth parted open just a little and he sat back hard. He started to blush. He looked down, rubbing the back of his neck shaking his head. "I'm sorry…I."

"Are you going to ask me out?" He looked up, biting at the piercing on his lip and shrugged. I blushed and sat back playing with the papers of my notebook. "This is going to sound really confusing but…" I stopped seeing James and Kendall walking back out form wherever they went, both smiling. James pulled Kendall in, by grabbing the back of his head and they kissed hard. Kendall laughed loudly before pushing away and wiped at James mouth. James kissed Kendall forehead, and while Kendall wasn't looking, James looked over at me. I felt my heart snap. I turned to Carlos smiling big and cleared my throat. "I would love to go out with you Carlos."


	3. Chapter 3: Self-Inflicted

"Listen to this…it says when he was finally able to get a hold of 911, he had already had four ribs broken, and a dislocated knee. When the two paramedics showed up, because of the writing on the wall calling him a fag and a princess, they took turns…Jesus Christ. Did you know these scum bags?" I gently shook my head trying not to think about everything Kendall was saying, but it was hard. "Did you work that night?" I again shock my head and turned it toward shim. We were sitting on our couch, him on his laptop, me watching highlights on Sports Center. His legs were laid out over my lap, occasionally digging into my thighs. While I stared at him, as he locked on the screen on of his computer.

"Why are you looking at that?" He glanced up at me and frowned closing his laptop. He set it on the ground, carefully and stretched his back, yawning. "So…is he gonna be a good fit?" I hated asking the question. I hated even thinking about him. But because he won't call me, or answer my texts, talking to my boyfriend about the guy I'm having an affair with is the next best thing.

"I think so. He seems a bit sheltered. But that's understandable." I nodded softly, turning back to the TV and felt him move around next to me on our love sit. My left arm was raised and quickly his warm long, lean body was up against mine, holding onto me. "I think Carlos likes him…they were gonna go get a drink after work tonight. They would be super cute. And Logan is an improvement over Carlos's last idiot boyfriend." I clenched my fists, just thinking about Logan with anyone else, but remained quiet and calm. "Oh also…remember how I asked you months ago to re paint that closed off back room, and you said to let a professional do it? Yeah Logan said it's probably best I waited because all of it has to come down, and re sanded…it's going to cost more than I wanted but I really want that room to be in use." I nodded slowly, rubbing over his hip. "I can't wait for it to be finished." I quietly hummed a response, making him push up off me and stare at me. I turned to him and smiled small but he shook his head. "You're really quiet tonight. What's going on?" I laughed shaking my head and sunk in my seat. "James…seriously. What's wrong?"

"Nothing babe. Just tired." He frowned pushing back into me and kissed me softly. I closed my eyes moving both my hands ot his body and pulled on him. Except he pulled back and jumped off the couch

"I know! Let's go out to night! Y9ou have the next three days off so we can go get wasted!" He hurried past me already pulling off the sweater on his body, which was mine, and hurried to the stairs. I groaned quietly, quickly pulling my phone out of my sweat pant pocket. There was a message, a short one, from Logan that made me feel horrible. "**Don't bother coming to see me. Carlos is a great guy." **I stood up fast, shoved my phone in my pocket and made my way to the master bedroom.

Kendall was standing in front of our shared closet, shirtless and only in a pair of black boxers. He had his hand son his ships and was quietly humming to himself. I walked right up behind him, turned him fast and shoved into him. I kissed him hard and rough, making him stumble back. I grabbed around his back, while he held around my neck and moaned into my lips. We ran into the clothes hanging on the hangers but I forcefully shoved them out of the way. I moved both my hands down to his thighs and licked him up pushing him up against the wall. His hands went to my face and pushed me back, gasping for air. He opened his mouth to talk but I shook my head, pinching his butt. "I don't want to go out tonight. I want to stay home and cuddle. We'll go out tomorrow night." He smiled but closed his eyes and nodded. "And lucky for me, your already half naked." He put his head back and shrugged slightly. When he lowered his head back down and smiled at me, running his fingers through my hair on the back of my head, that guilt and that horrible pain I felt every now and then hit me. I gently set him back on his feet and took a small step back. "Kendall…there's something I need to tell you." He chuckled walking into me and nodded kissing along my chin, and jaw. I closed my eyes tight and tried to force the words out.

"Do you think it can wait?" He slowly walked around me and out of the closet, forcing me to open my eyes, and once again, shove my confession to the back of my head, for another time. Again.

I can't really complain, I guess, because I'm getting sex from two different guys who are very, very generous lovers. But sometimes, when I'm with one, Like with Kendall right now, I have an urgency to feel Logan. And when I'm with Logan, I'll want to feel Kendall's long legs wrap around my body. I've become greedy in this sense. When I'm with one, I want the other. And although they are nothing alike, especially in the bed department, one of them is not better than the other. Kendall…Kendall likes to take control most of the time. I can top all I want, but he was what I like to call a power bottom. And I fucking love it. After he left me in the closet, I hurried out to him. He was already completely nude on the bed, waiting for me. It didn't take long to get myself undressed, and get a condom on, but once I entered him, I went as slow as I could. I loved looking into his bright green eyes, and hearing him moan, and I wanted it to last as long as I could possibly make it. However, much like every other single time we've had sex, Kendall took control, pushed me on my back, climbed on and did most of the work. We came at the same time, and only after a few minutes of having sex. He collapsed on me and then he was asleep. Just like every single time we have sex.

I lay awake, thinking about the situation I am in. I wanted to tell Kendall. I wanted to confess to him that I loved another man. Most importantly I wanted to tell him, it didn't mean I loved him less. I just didn't know how to get those words out. Logan was expecting me to just be able to do it, but it's a lot harder than it seems. I've given Kendall almost 8 years of my life. How could I just, end that?

I was almost asleep, with Kendall curled up against me, sound asleep when my phone went off. I got out of bed slowly and quietly, but the ringing woke Kendall. I grabbed my sweats off the floor and pulled them on grabbing my phone out of the pocket. I was expecting it to be Logan, but got disappointed seeing Carlos's number. "It's okay babe. Just Carlos. Go back to sleep." Kendall nodded yawning, rolling onto his back, stretching out. I answered the phone quick and grabbed a sweater as I walked out of the room. "Hello?"

"Hey!" I pulled the phone away from my ear hearing a loud bass beat in the background and Carlo's screaming voice. "I know you worked like a 12 hour shift, and you were probably asleep, but I really need a ride home! I'm kind of shit faced right now." I rolled my eyes walking to the front door and slipped on some shoes. I shoved my wallet in my pocket along with my car keys and sighed out. I walked out of the house, making sure it was locked up behind me and headed to my car.

"Yeah I'm leaving right now. Where are you?"

"You know that bar that's…uhm…shit. Oh we're over by the river. That bar right next to the movie theater." I frowned getting in my car and shivered, regretting my coat. Minnesota at 1 in the morning. 15 degrees out.

"Who are you with…" I paused slamming my door shut and felt my head spin. He was out with Logan. I put my head back groaning and tried to think of an excuse not to go. I don't think I could face Logan right now. It killed me to see him at the bakery today, and was even worse to pretend I didn't know him. And then to get the text that he didn't want to see me…this wasn't going to be easy.

"We'll be out front!" Carlos hung up fast, and is wallowed hard throwing my phone into the passenger seat of my car.

I drove as slow as I could through town, trying to avoid getting in an accident. I was also delaying seeing Logan for as long as I could, but it was becoming inevitable. When I finally did get to the bar, I wasn't surprised to see a parade of girls in skimpy outfits, and guys stumbling over themselves, no doubt to get those girls home with them. I frowned, irritated not seeing Carlos or Logan out front and parked right in front of the bar, in a red zone. I went to grab my phone and opened my door, but I spotted them. They were sitting on a bench, right next to the bridge over the river, close together. Logan, who looke3d the cutest I've ever seen, had his legs on Carlos's lap and one arm in Carlos's jacket. His other hand was holding a cup of steaming coffee. Their faces were so close together, you couldn't tell whose breath was whose. I swallowed hard watching Carlos set a hand on Logan's knee, making Logan squirm and shove a this chest. I closed my door fast and quickly dialed Carlos's number. I watched as he quickly pulled his phone out of his black jacket and put it too his ear. "I'm right out front." I watched him scan the area quickly and then smile big, nodding over to my car. I hung up fast seeing Logan look towards me, and glanced out my window shoving both my hands in my pockets.

I avoided looking at both of them as they stumbled into the back of my car. Because I know both of them fairly well, I could tell Carlos had, had a little too much to drink. He was super giggly, and didn't even seemed fazed that he was in a new place. As I drove away fort eh curb I looked into the rear view mirror and saw Carlos now leaned into Logan's ear, whispering something. Logan put his head back, obviously intoxicated, and giggled shoving harder into Carlos. I cringed and cautiously merged into traffic, and ignored the yuck fest in the back seat of my car.

I purposely drove to Carlos's apartment first so Logan and I could talk. Even though both of them are drunk off their asses, Logan isn't the type of guy to sleep with someone on the first night. Especially if I have anything to say about it. When I did get to his place I parked in his usual spot and turned the car off. I glanced back into the back seat and saw I was being watched by Logan. Carlos was, of course passed out on Logan,, who didn't really seem to mind. I sighed taking off my seatbelt and got out of the car, walking around to Carlos's side. Logan had bother their seatbelts off and was gently shaking Carlos. I opened his door and reached in, grabbing him. I picked up out of my car and put one of his arms around my neck, as I carried him up to his apartment. I heard Logan behind us, shutting the doors, and hurrying after us, and turned when we were in front of Carlos's door. "Will you grab his keys?" Logan only nodded and reached in Carlos's jean pocket, pulling out his keys. He handed them softly to me and I quickly unlocked his house. When we walked in, we were first bombarded by Carlo's German Shepard, Max, but I shushed him and carried Carlos to his room. I heard the front door shut, but quickly walked Carlos into his room. I slowly walked to the bed, and pulled back the covers. I gently put Carlos down, and turned on the light by his bed. I pulled his shoes off, but left him dressed, and put him under the covers. I walked to his desk, grabbing a piece of paper for the printer, and a pen. I wrote Carlos a note, explaining I drove him home, and took home Logan, and to call me in the morning so we can pick up his car if he wants. I put the note on the nightstand by his bed and quickly walked into his bathroom grabbing some Advil, and filled a glass with water. I walked back to his room and set the pills and water by the note, and turned off the light.

I walked back out to the living room, where Logan was standing awkwardly by the front door. Well, he wasn't really standing. He was leaning against the door, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, shivering slightly. We locked eyes for just a second before I cleared my throat and pulled my keys out. "Let's get you home." He nodded pushing off the door and turned to it. I held it open for him as he walked out and I shut it behind me. We got back in my car, except he sat up front with me. Like many times before, when we would go on private dates. Except we didn't hold hands, we weren't talking and the cold weather wasn't what built the ice wall up between us. Neither of us wanted to be near the other. At least that's how it felt. I wanted to hold him and make him warm, and kiss his red nose and rosy cheeks, but he would probably hit me. And I was honestly starting to consider confessing everything to Kendall, and being close to him was bad already.

We got to his apartment, and as soon as he got out, I did too. He was still drunk and there was ice everywhere on the ground. I would at least walk him up to his door, and make sure he got in safety. When he stepped onto the sidewalk, thankfully I was behind him because he almost fell back. I caught around him and pulled him back up. His hands went on my arms and he put his head back groaning. "I took too many shots." I smiled small letting him turn in my arms and lay his head on my shoulder.

"Carlos only knows one speed when he drinks." He chuckled snuggling up against my neck, and I carefully walked us to the stairs. "DO you think you can walk up? Or do you want me to carry you?" He groaned, making me believe he could barely stand, so I scooped him up. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sighed out, shivering again. "Loges…I'm sorry about today. At the bakery."

"Just shut up James. Don't ruin this." I rolled my eyes carefully stepping off the last step and reached in his pocket on his coat and pulled out his keys. "This isn't fair to Kendall. Or Carlos now."

"You just met Carlos. I can't believe you care about him that much." I shoved his door open hard, and walked in, closing the door with my foot. It slammed shut, and as soon as it did, Logan dropped out of my arms and shoved me away.

"I can't believe I still care about you, you prick!" He forcefully tugged off his jacket and threw it to the couch, stumbling to his kitchen. "How could I have let someone like you make me do something as stupid as sleep with a guy whose taken?!"

"Hey I didn't force you into this! You wanted this just as much as I did!" I walked out to him and watched him take out a bottle of orange juice. "We could have walked away at any time! And your guilty conscience wouldn't be catching up to you, if you weren't working for him!" He slammed the bottle on the counter and turned to me. "Face it Logan! Before you met him, you were begging me to leave him…dump him and break his heart! And now that you meet him you expect me to feel guilty? Guess what babe?! I already do! Every time I'm with him I'm thinking of you! And every time I tell him I love him, I question whether it's real, or just out of pity! And that's your fault!" He looked away wiping at his nose and shook his head. "Did you think this was going to be easy? Did you honestly think that the longer we stayed together, the easier it would be for both of us to forget about who were hurting?" He squeezed his eyes shut and cried out quietly. I took a step back and breathed out hard running a hand through my hair. "I don't think…I can't do this Kendall anymore Logan. I can't…"

"Don't say it!" He turned to me and pointed an accusing finger at me. "Don't you dare tell me you can't be with me anymore! Because it's not fair!" I frowned slouching and he stepped towards me. "Why does he get more of your heart?! Why do you care more about not hurting him, than me? Do you think I like being the other guy? DO you think I liked looking hi in the eyes and not telling him everything?" He walked to me and shoved me hard by my chest. "Why do you love him more than me?! What can I do to have you?" He went to shove at me again, but I grabbed his arms and forced them down at his sides. "Let me go! Why don't you go back to him James, and just leave me the hell alone!" He tried to yank out of my grasp, but I was too strong for his drunk movements. Instead I pulled him into my chest and walked us backwards. I hit a wall and while he continued to fight me, I slid us down the wall. He clutched onto my sweater as we hit the floor and cried, openly and loudly on my chest. I held around him, pressing my lips into his head and closed my eyes.

His cries were pathetic, and heartbreaking all at the same time. I felt guilty…for my boyfriend and for the man I let in my heart, without the intention of actually taking care of him. I hated hearing him ry. I hated feeling his tears on me. Only because I was the cause of them. I would much, much rather be hit by a semi right now. And then set on fire. At least that pain wouldn't be self-inflicted. 


	4. Chapter 4: Loved And Lost

_If you wake up, and remember our fight, I'm sorry. If you wake up and don't remember our fight…I'm still sorry. I've come to terms with the man I've become. You deserve better. Kendall deserves better. I'm going to do something about this. I promise you. I will always love you Logan. Please don't ever forget that. _

I groaned falling back on my bed, James's note in hand and rubbed my left eye, stifling a yawn. I didn't remember anything from last night…except that at one point during our night, Carlos kissed me. And I loved it. I've never been one to think piercings, or tattoos are attractive, or sexy by any means. But…when I started to talk to Carlos, and I got to find out what kind of guy he actually was, the tattoo's and piercings, made him 1000 times more attractive. For the first time in a long time, there was a guy, who liked me, and I liked, that could get my mind off James. And when Carlos leaned into me, in that dark hallway after I went to the bathroom, and kissed me…I was set on fire. He held my right side gently, on my hip wheel his other hand held my neck. Our lips touched and for a minute his lip piercing kind of weirded me out. But it went away fast when he bit at my bottom lip. For a moment it was just him and I. But when he pulled away, asking if it was okay that he kissed me, reality smacked me in the face. And then…everything is kind of fuzzy.

I sat up fast and regretted it immediately. My stomach turned and I felt like throwing up. But I didn't actually barf. I just sat in misery, clutching onto my stomach. I really wanted to remember if anything ore happened between Carlos and I, but I also wanted to know what James and I fought about. Well…If I'm being honest…I really just want an ice cold glass of water and maybe a bowl of fresh fruit. The thought of food made my stomach grow and forced me to slip off my bed. I threw James note onto my bed behind me and walked out of my room slowly, trying to regain some strength. Just as I walked out of my kitchen I could eh army peon ringing. Knowing my luck, it would be James. SO I let it ring. Also I had no idea where it actually was. SO I walked out into my kitchen flipping on the light and frowned. There was a bottle of OJ on the counter, opened, but with no glass around it. One of my worst bad habits when I'm drunk is drinking for cartons, and bottles instead of getting glasses. I ignored the OJ for now and walked to the fridge, grabbing my Britta pitcher, and yawned loudly. Just I had grabbed a big tall glass, there were three soft knocks on my front door, definitely leading me to believe it was James. I groaned putting my cup down and set the pitcher down right next to it. I walked out slowly and lazily to my front door and braced myself for a fight with James.

Except it wasn't James standing on my doorstep looking like an Eskimo. It was Carlos. I frowned, but moved out of the way quick, so he could get out of the cold. He walked in quick and gently handed me a large foam cup. I took it, grateful for the warmth and closed my door. "Carlos…hey." He pushed a hood off his head and then pulled off a beanie. He smiled at me, but it fell fast. He didn't look very good. Maybe he was trying to get over a bad hangover like me. "What…"

"I tried calling you. I first, wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I forget, when I'm out with people, not everyone drinks like I do." I smiled blushing and looked down at my cup in my hands. "Also…I got into work this morning to find no one else there. So I called Kendall." I looked up slowly and we locked eyes. He looked near tears. I quickly set my cup on the small bookcase behind me and walked right up to him.

"Carlos…what's going on?" He closed his eyes and put his head down breathing out shakily.

"Kendall's been at the hospital all morning. I guess last night…I don't know if you remember but I called Kendall's boyfriend, James, to pick us up. He dropped you off here, and me off at my place. And then he went home. But…" He paused and looked up at me, shaking his head. "Kendall woke up at about 2 and heard water running in the bathroom. He went in…he found James in the bathtub with his wrists slit." My mouth parted slightly as my entire world came crashing down on me. "He left Kendall a suicide note. He told him he's been having an affair, and couldn't face the decision to leave Kendall to be with this other guy." I closed my eyes and tried to keep my breathing normal and my heart under control. Not that Carlos would know, but I was getting this horrible pit in my stomach, that it was my fault. "I want to go see him, ya know? Because he's okay. He didn't die. That would have just…destroyed Kendall. But I didn't think…I don't think I can go alone. And I know we have only known each other for a day. I don't want you to think I'm getting all obsessive and weird on you I just…I don't really have a lot of close friends, and with what happened between the two of us last night I just…really wanted you there with me." I opened my eyes slowly and surprised myself at how strong I was being. I wasn't crying and I wasn't freaking out about the fact that James could have killed himself. Instead, I took the final tiny step towards Carlos, making us nose to nose and grabbed his free hand. He looked right up at me, again, us locking eyes and swallowed hard. With my free hand, I reached up grabbing his neck and held him gently as I kissed his lips softly. He let go of my hand fast and moved it to the small of my back, pulling em even closer in to him. I squeezed my eyes shut and let him take complete control of our kiss. I honestly didn't mind. But he didn't let it last for very long. He pulled away putting his forehead on mine and dug his fingers into my back. I moved my other hand up to his neck and held him gently sighing out.

"Let's go see your friends Carlos." He nodded closing his eyes and I kissed him one last time, softly on the lips, getting a soft kiss back.

We drove quietly, softly holding each other's hands. I drove, not wanting him to be too upset to drive in the snow, and grabbed his hand, squeezing it every now and then. When we got to the hospital, he walked tall and strong, leading me down the many hallways. I kept a strong hold of his hand, ignoring the rude stares and stupid whispering. Up until the point of standing in front of the halfway closed door, I was strong. But knowing I was about to come face to face with James…knowing he would rather take his own life than face up to his life, and his decisions…made me sad and a little bit angry. When Carlos took a step to grab the handle I grabbed his shoulder and swallowed hard. He glanced back frowning and I shrugged, blushing. "Maybe I should wait. I don't really know them that well Carlos." He smiled small and kissed my forehead before pulling back.

"You don't know me that well either." I frowned and he chuckled brushing snow off my shoulder. Or I assumed. "I'm not gonna force you to go in but…I would love it. And I think all the support James and Kendall could get right now, would be good." I sighed out and thought about it for a minute before nodding softly.

Carlos pushed the door open softly and we walked into a dimly lit room with the soft light of a TV up in the corner, giving the only light. The volume was on low, probably because someone was asleep in the room. But when the door shut softly behind me, I was surprised to see who was and wasn't asleep. James was sitting up in a abed, a hospital gown on, legs crossed, one hand holding a TV remote. ON a small cot next to James bed, Kendall was passed out, curled in a ball, under a heavy looking blanket. Once that door shut, James turned to us, and quickly sat up straight. Carlos let my hand go and quickly walked over to the bed. He put one hand behind James head and pulled him in roughly, hugging him tight. James closed his eyes and hugged around Carlos, but the wraps on his arms made my stomach turn and I looked down wrapping my own arms around my body. "How you doing James?" I swallowed hard seeing movement coming from the cot five feet from me, and looked up at it. Kendall slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position kicking the blankets off his body. He first looked at me, and then turned to look at Carlos and James. He rubbed his eyes, yawning, and got off the cot stretching. He grabbed a sweater form the back of a chair in the corner and slipped it on walking to the other side of James bed. James and Carlos were still hugging each other, but Kendall patted Carlos's back and kissed the side of James's head. I turned away fast clenching my fists and wished I hadn't agreed to come with Carlos.

"I'm gonna go grab some coffee. You guys want anything?" I lowered my arms and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I saw in the corner of my eye Carlos sit on the James bed and shake his head softly to Kendall. "I'll be back." When Kendall walked around the bed and headed towards me, he stopped. I tensed up, imagining him hitting me because, although I'm not sure how he would, it felt like he knew it was me. "Logan…do you want to come with me?" I straightened up completely and looked to James and Carlos who were both talking quietly and I nodded looking back to Kendall.

We walked in silence towards the cafeteria, heads down, hand sin our pockets. I didn't even know where to begin. Do I come clean? Tell him I've been fucking his boyfriend? The reason he almost killed himself was my fault? How do I even start to explain myself? DO I even need to? I pondered the thought, wondering if I should wait for Kendall to say something and silently stood next to him as he grabbed a bottle of water and asked for two hot chocolates. He put a ten dollar bill in the tip jar and handed me a cup of hot chocolate. He led me to a quiet corner with a huge window looking out at the busy street below us. I sat down across from him and unzipped my black jacket, watching his every move. He pushed up the sleeves on his sweater and yawned running his hands up and down his face. When he lowered his hands he grabbed his cup of hot chocolate and took a gulp, before setting it back down and looking at me. "I've been suspicious for a while. About James cheating." He chuckled looking out the window and I too, glanced out. "He wasn't very good and hiding it. One minute he's telling e he loves e and the next he gets a text and has to leave. I knew for a while now…a few months, maybe even the past year, but I pushed it all aside. I covered it all up with this idea he was happy with me. That hopefully one day, he'd leave the other guy behind and it would be just him and I, like before. I was naïve, I'll admit, but I'm hopelessly in love with the guy." He laughed quietly this time making me turn to him and he set back crossing his arms over his chest. "Well…was hopelessly in love with him. I know it will seem cruel dumping him in the hospital right after he tried to kill himself but I am so angry I can't even fucking see straight. I thought we were in love. I thought it was him and I against the world. Instead it was him and I, and some home wrecker, against the world." We locked eyes, and for a split second, I got up the courage to tell him the truth. But he continued talking. "I'm almost tempted to go through his phone, find a number that calls a lot, and call him, and tell him to come take care of the prick but…that stupid thing in my chest hurts so bad knowing James could have died. All because he's not man enough to face the consequences of his actions." I sat back in my chair and gently played with my hand sin my lap looking back out the window again. "I'm sorry Logan. You don't need to hear all this shit." I smiled small and shrugged.

"I don't mind Kendall. I was a little hesitant when Carlos asked me to come because I don't really know you or James. Especially James." I looked over at his face and shrugged again. "We aren't just business associates Kendall. I'm from a huge family…when one of us is down, everyone helps to pick them up. Yesterday you reminded me of my family down In Texas. You made me feel at home. So, if you need someone to talk to…to vent to, I'll be here. Especially because I'm a third party." He laughed quietly and nodded. "If you don't mind me asking…why did he want to…kill himself?" Kendall sat up opening his water and took a small sip, offering some to me. I greedily took it, remembering how much I wanted water this morning, when I woke up from my hangover.

"Well he told me in his letter that this guy he's been seeing…he really fell in love with him. And James fell in love with him. He got so wrapped up in this relationship, and eventually became addicted to this guy. Well this other guy…he asked James to make a choice. Him or me. I guess if James wasn't planning on killing himself, he was going to pick the other guy. But because, as he put it, he didn't want to hurt me…he tried to kill himself." I nodded softly, hoping I was looking sincere, but felt like hurling myself off the top of the hospital. "DO you think it's better to have loved and lost, instead of to have never loved at all?"

"I don't know…if I was in your shoes…I would have taken ignorance over the pain of knowing a man I loved and trusted, was so willingly to hurt and betray me. People don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing." Kendall slowly sat up grabbed his water taking another sip. "If your looking for support to dump James…I think you should hear him out first." He raised his eyebrows swallowing hard and then smiled.

"Come again? You want me to hear a guy out who's been fucking someone else behind my back?" I laughed sitting up and grabbed my cup.

"Kendall look at this way…you know you already don't want to be with him. He broke your heart…you're angry and you're pissed. Why not give yourself even more reason to be pissed and angry? Hearing why he did and why he never told you, will just give you more validity to doin the right thing." He slowly sat back and looked like I just explained the truth Alien abductions. Before he could answer me, someone stood at the end of our table, making both of us look up. I smiled immediately looking at Carlos who walked behind Kendall chair and took the seat next to him. He took the water on the table and drank the rest of it, swallowing hard. "You okay?" He smiled big at me handing the empty bottle to Kendall who was glancing between the two of us, smiling slyly. Carlos glanced over at him and rolled his eyes sitting back.

"Did something happen last night?" My cheeks turned red instantly but I looked to Carlos for him to seriously answer the question. "I didn't take you for a first day of knowing a guy, hook up kind of guy Los."

"I'm not. Nothing happened. I woke up alone." I leaned forward smiling like an idiot, happy to know Carlos wasn't going to lie about what didn't happen between us. "Although between you and I Kendall, this guy is cute as hell when he blushes." I blushed even harder and put my head down chuckling.

"Don't embarrass him idiot…you have my blessing to date my best friend if that's what this is going to turn into. But Logan?" I looked up quick and let my smile fade seeing Kendall standing. He finished off his hot chocolate and crushed the cup staring down at me, very serious like. "If you break his heart, I'll have to break your legs." I watched Kendall walk away from the table and toss his cup into the trash can as he went. I turned back to Carlos who looked irritated but smiled at me. I hated to think I had already broken Carlos's heart, without him even knowing.

**I'm curious to know…where do you guys think this is going to go? What pairing do you think it will end up with? What would you guys like to see, based off this chapter? I would love to hear your insights. **


	5. Chapter 5: The Spork

"I'm sorry. I'll say it a thousand times, and I'll know you don't believe it, but I mean it. I'm sorry. I am…"

"Sorry. You've told me." The room dropped to a chilly 20 degrees once he spoke and it made me look down. I wasn't even worthy enough to look at him, let alone be in the same room as him. "Who is he? The man you've been with." I closed my eyes, putting my head in my hands and shook my head. "Come on James. What guy swept you off your feet? Probably some muscle bound jock, who has a tiny dick, but makes up for it by being a power bottom. That's your type right?" I squeezed my eyes tight and clenched my jaw, hard. "I'm sorry…the doctor said you shouldn't have any stress or…pain of any kind. I should just leave. You're not going to talk to me anyway." I looked up fast, just to watch Kendall stand up from his chair and pull on his sweater.

"What does it matter who it is?" He stopped and turned to me looking in disbelief.

"Are you serious? You think I shouldn't ask you any questions right now? You don't think I deserve to know why, or with who? After a year of you playing me…making me look like a complete fool, I don't have a right to know?!"

"It's just going to upset you Kendall! I don't want to do that anymore."

"Then why don't you kill yourself! That seems to be the best fucking response, right?" I laid back on my bed and turned away from him. "What…what could I have possibly done to you? How did I hurt you, to make you go to someone else? I…I loved you James. I was going to give you my entire life. I…was giving you my entire life. We moved in together, I let you flip my entire world upside down, and you…you just destroyed me." I slowly turned towards him and watched him walk to my bed slowly. He gently sat on the edge, as far away from me as he could get and wiped at his nose. He was crying. "My head…it's telling me to run and never look back. Because I deserve better. I deserve a man who will spend his every waking minute to worship the ground I step on. But my heart…it hurts so bad right now, not because I know you cheated but…" He looked to me and blinked out some tears shrugging. "Because my heart knows…you are the best I've ever had. From that very first day we met in my senior year of college, to this very moment, I've done nothing but love you. And unfortunately…for my pride any way, I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But right now…" He closed his eyes and reached out for my left hand. I let him take it, and cringed when he squeezed it. "I can't be with you." I closed my eyes again, and put my head in my hand letting silent tears fall out. "I can't be with a man who tells me he loves me, just to leave me a minute later and tell another man the same thing. I'm strong enough, right now, to know that I need to be away from you, to know exactly what I want. If…if I can see my life in ten years and you're in it I'll…I'll come back to you. But right now I just need…space." A small sob slipped past my lips, and there was movement on my bed. My hand was let go of, and I thought for sure he was gone: it wouldn't surprise me. I don't even know why I was surprised he was dumping me. But when an arm wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled me into a slim warm body, my heart exploded. My arms, as sore as they were, wrapped around him as I shoved my face into his shoulder and sobbed out. A few of his fingers traced through my hair on the back of my head, which would usually make me sleepy, but they were gone just as quick as they got there. When he pulled away, I opened my eyes and watched him wipe his face as he walked away from my bed. He stopped at my door and breathed out shakily as he continued to cry. It looked like he was going to turn around to me but instead the door opened, and he walked out, leaving me completely alone.

If I didn't have pain killers pumping through my body, I wouldn't have fallen asleep. Sleep didn't seem necessary at the moment because I always took sleep as a reward for working hard, or having a fun active day. I didn't see my currant life as fun, or active, and I definitely didn't work hard. But the sleep came weather I wanted it or not. I probably cried myself to sleep, without knowing it. It hits you hard when you're left alone, with no one to comfort you. When your life hits you in the face, and you are all alone…things get put into perspective. Did I really think killing myself was the best option? At the time yes. Did I honestly think I would actually die? No. Was I hoping Kendall would find it in his heart to forgive me, just so I knew I hadn't fucked up too bad? With all my heart. Was I naive to think him or Logan for that matter would be around? Hell yes. Those were the thoughts running through my head, constantly as I slept. It didn't get better when I woke up.

There was a really cute, young looking male nurse by my bed looking at a machine beeping and while I sat myself up, he turned to me and smiled small. I smiled back and slowly took in my room. The sun was trying its hardest to come out through the clouds giving a little bit of morning glow in my room. The only thing new in my room, beside the sun, was a bouquet of flowers on the table at the end of my bed. I frowned seeing a note card, and tried to grab it, reaching as far as I could. The nurse quickly pushed me back and grabbed the note card handing it to me. I smiled at him again as he put a tray over my lap. "I hope you're hungry. I had the chef personally make you a meal fit for a king." I chuckled quietly as he put a plate full of scrambled eggs, sausage, and pancakes. I quickly scanned over the note card, feeling my heart break seeing Logan's handwriting. It didn't say his name, for obvious reason, but it did say he loved me. And he would see me soon. I gently set the notecard on my tray and grabbed a plastic spork. I frowned and looked at the nurse who was shaking his head as he poured me some OJ from a pitcher. "Our rules Mr. Diamond. Because of your circumstance, you aren't allowed to have anything sharp." I frowned again and raised the spork.

"The spork gets a bad name. It could be as sharp as it wants." He laughed, sincerely and looked me in the eyes. "You don't have to call me Mr. Diamond. My names James." I painfully raised my right hand and he looked down quick taking it with both his. He shook it softly before setting it on the bed, and kept a hand on mine.

"My name is Matthew. You can call me Matt. I've been taking care of you since last night." I smiled again and watched as he swallowed hard, and suddenly became nervous. He took his hand off mine and pulled a pen out from his scrub pants. "I need to get you some more medication. Eat up. It has to be taken with food. I'll be right back James." I nodded softly and watched him turn, but he stopped short. "I didn't know anyone was here…I'll get out of your way." He moved quick to the door that was already open, with Kendall and Carlos standing in it. I watched, with slight amusement as Kendall stared the guy down as he hurried out. Even when he left, Kendall watched from the door as Carlos walked in, holding a bottle of water.

"Hey buddy. I tried to bring you some of my world famous coffee but they wouldn't let me." I frowned to Carlos as he sat on the edge of my bed and swung his legs like a child. I turned to Kendall who slammed the door a little and walked to the other side of my bed, where Matt was just standing. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at me, softening immensely. "How you feeling?" I turned back to Carlos and smiled shrugging, stabbing at my eggs.

"I slept all through the night. I'm in a little bit of pain but…"

"That young thing probably makes you feel pretty good." I stopped mid chew and looked up at Kendall who closed his eyes quick and swallowed hard. "Carlos can you give us a minute?" I gently set my spork down and watched Carlos sigh, but get up and walk out. Just like that. "DO you have to flirt with everyone that walks by with a cute face?"

"Well he doesn't have to be cute." Kendall opened his eyes fast and I shook my head. "You dumped me last night Kendall. What the hell are you doing? Are you seriously getting jealous over something you have no say in, anymore?"

"Just because…we broke up…" He paused and took his hands out of his pockets. He breathed out softly and put a hand on my arm. "Just because we broke up, doesn't mean I don't care about you any less. And seeing some young guy with a nice ass hitting on you, doesn't feel good James. And I'll calmly remind you, the reason I dumped you is because you were fucking someone behind my back."

"So you're pissed…but still get to claim me as your property? Don't' play with my emotions like that Kendall. I'm not stable enough to think there is a glimmer of hope I could have you back. I know I hurt you bad, and I deserve loosing you, but making me believe I could be with you again just seems cruel." He looked down and shuffled his feet. "And to be completely fair…he was hitting on me. Not the other way around." He laughed, for a second, before he went back to being serious and stared at me. I picked my spork back up and put a sausage link on it. I raised it to him and raised my eyebrows. He laughed again and moved in quick, biting off a chunk of the sausage. I put the rest in my mouth and sat back chewing slowly. As I looked down at my plate, my stomach growling, a hand ran through my hair making me look up fast. He bit his bottom lip and shook his head.

"You need to get your hair cut." I swallowed hard feeling like that wasn't what he wanted to say. He rested his hand on my neck for only a second before pulling back and clearing his throat. He shimmied out of his jacket and threw it to the end of my bed. He walked to the door and opened it. "You can come back in Carlos…oh hey Logan!" I felt the color drain from my face as Carlos walked in, holding Logan's hand as Logan handed a small note book to Kendall, who frowned. "What is this?" He shut the door softly, looking at Logan who followed Carlos to the side of my bed. I locked eyes with Logan who simply smiled small at me and looked away.

"It's a sketch of what I had in mind for your place. Carlos let me in early this morning and I sketched out what we've talked about…what you've shown me. I hope you like it." Kendall pulled a chair up to the side of my bed and set the notebook on my bed. He sighed out and opened it up to reveal a beautiful colored sketch of Kendall's bakery. I leaned in gently and smiled small, squinting.

"You managed to put everything in this Logan…everything I wanted even my wish list! Look…a wood burning oven! Carlos we can start making those amazing breakfast pizza's!" Kendall looked up and turned the notebook to Carlos who was too busy staring at Logan. Logan looked out of place, but also really comfortable. Probably because Carlos had a hand on his hip and was looking at him like he was already in love. Logan blushed and looked down between them poking his chest. "Carlos! Jesus dude…it's been like this since last night." I frowned to Kendall who also frowned and flipped the page in the notebook. "Well because of everything…I'm gonna close the shop down for the rest of the week. Which means we can really get in there and start re-doing everything! And I mean everything!" Logan chuckled, which warmed my heart and helped me go back to eating.

"Well before I start anything, I want to have a friend of mine come in. He checks for termites, asbestos…just routine checkup so we don't have to run into any surprises." Kendall nodded pulling his phone out and stood up slowly.

"Have him come in tomorrow if possible…I'm sorry I have to take this call. Excuse me." Kendall hurried out of the room, shutting the door hard behind him, making Carlos jump and turn to look back. Carlos frowned and turned to me, smiling big.

"Did Kendall chew you out again?"

"Don't I deserve it?" Carlos looked down but pulled Logan into him. Carlos kissed Logan's nose, which made Logan bush like crazy and look anywhere but at me.

"I'm gonna run to the bathroom and get some water. You want anything?" Logan shook his head fast and moved out of the way so Carlos could leave. As soon as the door shut, Logan rushed to me, threw his arms around my neck and pulled me in for a hug.

"What the hell were you thinking James?" I hugged him back as best as I could and closed my eyes. "How could you have been so stupid? What would I have done without you?"

"You would have had Carlos?" Logan pulled away fast and we stared each other down. "Did you let him fuck you?" My face was slapped hard, but as soon as it happened, I knew I deserved it. I closed my eyes turning my head away from him and tensed up. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." I opened my eyes and turned my head to him slowly. He covered his mouth with one hand as the other held around his stomach. "Your cheek is all red…"

"Don't worry about it. They'll just think I'm hot." He closed his eyes shaking his head and I licked my lips. "Last night…Kendall dumped me. He could barely look at me. I'm a piece of shit, I deserve worse, but…it made me realize something." He turned around showing me his back and I swallowed hard. "You and Kendall deserve more. Deserve better. I'm not right for you Logan. You always say I saved you. But it was the other way around. And now…all I've done is hurt you and a man I can't even imagine living without. I honestly thought this would be harder but seeing you with Carlos…I can tell he's crazy about you. Who would blame him?" I smiled small and heard him sniffle quietly.

"Are you dumping me?"

"Yeah…only because you deserve the best. You deserve to be treated like a king, and I can guarantee Carlos will treat you like a king." He slowly turned to me and wiped his eyes, looking relatively calm.

"We messed up didn't we?" I nodded and he sighed out wiping his face again. "We have to tell Kendall."

"I will…eventually. I promise. Just…not right now. Give em some time." He bit his bottom lip, but nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I love you Logan. Always will."

"Yeah...I'm just not the guy you want." I smiled again and he shrugged. "It's not the first time I've heard that."

"But it will be the last. Carlos adores you. I can see it." He laughed gently sitting n the edge of my bed.

"Last night…before Kendall came to Carlos's place we…we had dinner. He was pretty upset about you. You're like his big brother James. SO I cooked for him. Turned the table…instead of him cooking it was me. We talked…we might have made out…it was…unlike anything else." I smiled to show my support, but it still hurt. Probably like how Kendal felt seeing that nurse flirt with me.

I wanted to tell him to ask me to choose him…like he had done some many times before. But I could see it in his eyes. He had moved on. I was alone. No one wanted me and to be honest…no one should want me. Doesn't mean it feels good. I was the living and breathing spork. I had my good qualities. No one would be able to eat in hospitals if it wasn't for me. But then again…there was always a fork, or a spoon just around the corner, who had every quality you could need. I would never be one guy with amazing attributes, and nothing less. I would always be the spork.


	6. Chapter 6: Honest

**I am so happy with the amount of feedback I've been getting for this story! I really love this one, so I've been spending a lot of time on it. I'm so glad you all are enjoying it, and I will continue to update it as much as I can! Although since getting out of the hospital, I've been back at work and been getting a lot of hours because they love me at my job, and this coming up week we have inventory so I'll be working midnight to 8 a shifts. Hang on with me if the updates are few and far between. Thanks!**

**Also…for this chapter, we've gone forward, a week. Everything I want to happen, like HEAVY DRAMA, is gonna start to come from this chapter. Enjoy! **

I couldn't remember the last time I had been this excited. It's been quite a while that I've been at someone's house, someone that I'm falling for, and been able to just be myself. Carlos knew how to make me feel comfortable. Like a champ. 10, almost 11 hours at the bakery, tearing all the walls down, basically, and pulling up all the carpet…my body was sore, and I was tired. But when Carlos asked me to hang out with him tonight, all my pains, and aches went away. Just like that. All he had to do was look me in the eyes, bite at that sexy lip ring, which drove me nuts, and stutter over his words. And I was his. I was dropping everything else, just to be with him. Not like it was a bad thing. Consider my past "relationship" I felt like I deserved to be treated nice. And boy…when he led me into his apartment it was like he was preparing for a date with the Queen.

His house smelt like apples and cinnamon, which is not a norm for a guy. Gay or not, most of us don't like to have smelly stuff in the house. And not only that, but quests or no, we don't usually clean up. Carlos was the complete opposite. His house was spotless, from head to toe, with the cutest fall and Thanksgiving decorations placed here and there. While I took in his house, he took my coat for me and my bag and told em to make myself at home. I walked to a bookshelf in the back corner of his living room and looked at pictures, and all the different books he had. He told me dinner was on the way, pizza, and was going to set a fire. I turned fast seeing him kneeling in front of his wood burning fire place setting logs inside it. I put my hands in my pockets of my jeans and looked down my body, becoming mortified. I was covered in dust and pain chippings form the walls…I probably looked like a mess. I sighed quietly as I wiped at my shirt and pants and blushed. Here I was, in his beautiful home, looking like a guy who dug through the dumpster for the past four days. I probably smelt like it too. "Logan…what are you doing?" I raised my head and blushed even harder seeing I was being watched. Carlos was standing in front of the lit fireplace, but chuckled, walking over to me.

"I didn't know I was so dirty." I looked back down at my clothes and shrugged feeling uncomfortable.

"Well…I have some sweats, and another shirt if you want. I can also wash your clothes for you if you want." I looked up again and smiled big . He was right in front of me and casually, he put his fingers into the waist band of my jeans and tugged me towards him. We kissed momentarily before he chuckled and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the hallway in the back. "You're a little bit smaller than me, but I think it will be okay." I nodded, walking right behind him and set my chin on his shoulder as he led me into his bedroom. I stopped in the middle as he walked to a big Oak Cherry dresser, that matched the bed frame and the two nightstands on either sides of his bed. "I actually think it will be really cute to see you in clothes two sizes too big for you." I gave him a dirty look as he turned back to me, sweats and t-shirt in hand.

"You're a bully." He stuck his tongue out at me as he handed me his clothes. "Where's your bathroom?" He pointed behind me and gently turned me and swatted at my butt as I walked towards a small, but inviting bathroom. I walked in, shutting the door softly behind me and leaned against it. I flipped on the light and looked at myself in the mirror. I pushed off the door and set the clothes on the counter by the sink and quickly tore off my shirt. I folded it up and grabbed the black shirt, unfolding it. Before I put it on, I stopped and looked at the scars on my shoulder and chest, and hoped, and prayed Carlos would never see the disgusting things. I quickly pulled on the shirt and went to undo the belt around my waist. I felt a vibration from my phone in my jeans and pulled it out smiling at a new text from James. I opened it quick and chuckled to myself reading. "**So Kendall is driving himself nuts. He gets mad at me, for everything that's happened, and then feels bad for yelling or whatnot. He's the one who asked me to live with him still, even though I know he hates me…you should have seen his face when he came home and his house was clean. I think he almost took me back. ****."** I quickly typed in my response, telling James to not push Kendall. Give him time and let him come to James. I set my phone on the counter and took off my pants, and slid out of my black and white Converse. I pulled on Carlos's sweats and laughed as I had to tie them tight around my waist. "Well you were right…there too big!" I picked up my shoes and pants and heard him laugh from a distance. I grabbed all of my stuff, sticking my phone in the pocket of my sweats and walked out of the bathroom, flicking off the light as I went.

I gently set my pants and shirt on my bag on the coffee table and set my shoes by the front door. I walked slowly into his kitchen and smiled big seeing him pour two glasses of blood red wine. He glanced up at me, before looking back down at the glasses and closing the bottle back up. "I was right on two things…you look really cute in those." I blushed but walked to him leaning against the counter. He raised both glasses and handed me on, moving in close, setting a hand by my hip on his counter. "I'm really happy you came over." I clinked his glass with mine and raised it.

"Salute." He nodded back to me, clinking his glass with mine and we drank. I closed my eyes letting the sweet wine run down my throat and let a realization hit me. I was drinking; obviously I wasn't going to be driving tonight. So was he. That was okay with me. "I'm really happy you asked me to come over." I set my now half empty glass down next to his, which was almost gone and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him towards me. He put a hand on my rib and smiled, moving into kiss me. I turned quick and let him kiss my cheek, and sigh. I chuckled looking at his stove and wrapped both arms around him, hugging him from the front.

"I really like you Logan." I closed my eyes, and shivered as he kissed down to my neck and even turned my head to kiss over my Adam's apple. When he gently pushed em back, I opened my eyes and we stared at each other. "I really, really, really like you." I smiled raising my hands and set them on his shoulders. One hand moved up to his face and my thumb traced over his bottom lip. His hands moved down my sides, and to the back of my legs, where he grabbed and lifted. I grabbed ahold of his shoulders and let him set me on the counter, right by our wine glasses.

"I really like you too Carlos. But with 4 really's instead of 3." He laughed, closing his eyes and I move din fast, attaching my lips to his. His hands rested on my thighs and I softly wrapped my legs around the back of his lower back, and ran my hands up to the back of his head, and tugged on his hair. I opened my mouth to let him take control of the kiss just as my phone vibrate din my pocket. It made me pull away from him knowing James was texting me. He frowned and licked his lips, driving me nuts, but I felt pained. I kept my hands on the back of his head as we looked at each other and I frowned back at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I need to tell you something." He nodded slowly pushing his hands up to the hem of the shirt too big for me, and put a few fingers under the shirt. "Before I met you…I was in a relationship with a man who had…" I paused and swallowed hard. This wasn't easy, and I didn't know why I chose now to tell him. I did know however, I couldn't tell him the whole truth. "I was with a man who is married." He pulled his head back a little and I felt my heart snap. We didn't lose all contact, but him pulling away told me he was disgusted with me.

"You were with a guy having an affair?" I nodded slowly and dropped my hands from his head. I folded my hands in my lap and looked down at them, feeling useless. "Are you with him still?" I shook my head scratching my left palm, and closed my eyes feeling him put his hands on my face. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" His voice was soft, almost nurturing. I opened my eyes and looked at him as he rubbed my jaw line.

"I was going to. The day after we went out to the bar. But…you came over…and said Kendall's boyfriend tried to kill himself because he was having an affair and…" I shrugged and he nodded moving one hand back down to my side where he held me gently. "I know…it's really shitty, and if you want me to go, I understand." He laughed quietly looking down at my chest and shook his head.

"Why would I want you to leave?" I shrugged again and he laughed, a little louder this time. I pouted and he moved his hand to the small of my back rubbing it soothingly. "I don't need to know why. And I will never judge you for something I have no idea about. I will say…I appreciate you telling me. You were honest. That's what counts, especially because I could see how hard it was for you." I nodded again, but I felt horrible. I wasn't honest with him. Not completely. And if he ever found out, I'm afraid I would lose the first real, healthy relationship I've ever been in. "I guess…because you told em something that was hard for you…I can do the same. Uhm my last relationship, if I could even call it that…" he stopped and nervously looked between my face and my body. He opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped hearing a knock at the door. "Hold on…if you want, you can grab two plates form that cupboard, and we'll go eat out in the living room by the fire." He pushed away from me fast and I looked to the cupboard he pointed to. I slid off the counter while opening the cupboard and grabbed two plain white plates. I carefully held them, and both of our wine glasses, and walked out to the living room.

I shivered as I walked behind Carlos who was standing in front of the open door taking a large pizza from the guy. I set down the glasses, and the plates, and quickly moved my bag and clothes off of the table, and put them on the floor. I swallowed hard watching Carlos thank the guy quietly before shutting the door and turning to me. He smiled small and set the pizza box on the coffee table, grabbed my hand and walked me around it, to his brown couch. We sat down and before we touched the pizza or our wine glasses, eh took both my hands and sighed out. "My last boyfriend was an MMA fighter, so it wasn't really a relationship, because no one knew he was gay. We lived together, but he played it off that I was his trainer. Which was true. It's how we met, but it turned into something so much more." He stopped and looked down at our connected hands rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand. "After three years of hiding, and being ashamed of loving this guy, I had enough. I told him we either tell the world were in love, or I was gone. Of course for him, there was a third option." He looked back up and smiled small, but he looked pained. "He beat me until I could barely walk. I had to call James and Kendall once he left the house. That was the last time I ever saw him. Well…" He chuckled turning to the table. "We did see him in court. James beat the living shit out of this guy when he tried to come beg for my forgiveness. I couldn't stop James and neither could Kendall. I'm kind of glad I didn't. Although he tried to get James arrested for assault, but when we got in court, I threatened to tell everyone he was gay, and that was it." I swallowed hard scooting closer to him and put a hand on his leg making him look at me. "It takes a lot for me to trust people, especially guys. But you…you make me feel like…like I'm needed. You make me feel like I can be…happy with a man again. This is all new for me but…but I love it." I move din fast and kissed him hard, making him fall back on the couch. I climbed on top of him quick and kissed him with everything I have. He put one hand on my side, and another on the side of my face, to hold me in lace. I put one leg outside his body, while the other laid between his spread legs. I put my hands outside his head on the back of the couch and let him push his hand up my shirt. It didn't hit me until his fingers traced over a specific scar, that still hurt sometimes. I gasped out, pushing off him and covered my mouth sitting next to him again. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" I laughed quietly and shook my head putting a hand on his knee.

"No I'm fine." I looked back to him and moved in to kiss him again, but he stopped me and backed away again. I frowned and he raised his eyebrows. I sighed and stood up. "Fine…because you were really honest and brave with me, I guess I can be too."

"Looks like how the night is gonna go." I chuckled and he stood up, but I tore off the shirt he lent me, tossing it gently behind me on the couch. His eyes quickly fell down to my naked torso an di tensed up, blushing.

"Do you remember when you dug yourself that hole the first time we met? And you said something about how I was attacked?" He swallowed hard, and went to touch me, but stopped. "My house was broken into. These three guys went right to my bedroom, one tied me up, while the other two broke a lot of stuff in my house and put the majority of it into bags. The one who tied me up and stayed in my room saw a picture of me with my last boyfriend on my dresser. He told the other two they had a fag on their hands." He looked up at my face quick and I reached out grabbing his hand. "The gagged and blind folded me and then beat me. When they wore themselves out, one of them said, well he's gay so he must like getting fucked. They took turns forcing themselves on me for almost two hours." He closed his eyes and lowered his head. I looked down at my scared chest and felt the usual anger coarse through my body, just thinking about it. "When they got finished, one of them took a switch blade and craved into my chest and shoulders. He wrote fag and queer. And then with my blood from my open cuts, they wrote on the walls, queer and of course fag. What made the whole thing even worse, is when I called 911, because they were decent enough to untie me, the two paramedics who responded, saw my bloody and broken body as a sign to also take advantage of me, and took turns on me. I tried to yell for help, but was only saved by the grace of God when a cop car pulled up. The two responding officers came in, arrested the paramedics, and took care of me. A year later, here I am, scared and disgusting. They still hurt sometimes, to get touched anyway." He looked up at me fast and put a hand on my face.

"You're not disgusting Logan. You're beautiful." I swallowed hard looking into his beautiful chocolate eyes and move din close to him. "I'm so sorry…so sorry it happened to you." I closed my eyes gently resting my head on his shoulder and let him hug around me, softly and carefully. "You will never get hurt like that again. Not while I'm around." I wrapped my arms around his back tight and shoved my face into his neck squeezing my eyes shut. One of his hands ran through my hair while the other traced up and down my spine.

No one, besides the cops obviously, and James, knew the gory details of my attack. It must be a big step, for me at least, to be able to confide to someone about what happened to me. Especially after knowing him for a week and a half. You would think, cause I told him all that, I would be able to be honest to him about James but I couldn't. And I hated myself for it, as he soothed away my fears, and doubts, and worries.


	7. Chapter 7: Really, Really Bad

**Carlos's POV**

I wasn't surprised to find how easy he fell asleep in my arms. He was tiered, I could see that. And with everything we had talked about…he looked drained. He also looked like he was relieved for getting what he did off his chest. Too bad it wasn't the whole truth.

I untangled us from each other leaving him under my blanket, in my shirt and sweats. I'm almost glad we didn't have sex, but on the same token…I'm a guy. I like sex. None the less, I left him passed out in my bed, at 4 in the morning, just to go out into my living room, and answer my door. I knew who was knocking at my door at this time. I just really wished he wasn't here. I pulled on a sweater, glancing around my living room seeing it the same way we left it last night. The half empty pizza box was still on the table along with our empty wine glasses. I ignored it for now as I unlocked my door, and pulled it open to reveal none other than Kendall. He smiled big and made one step to come in but I put up my hand. "He's still here." He frowned and shoved his hands into his pockets and I quickly walked out, shutting the door behind me. I didn't have shoes on, but I didn't care. "I can't do this anymore." He chuckled looking down and I swallowed hard. "He's a good guy Kendall. He's just…"

"A liar and a fake piece of shit?" I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him as he looked up at me. "I asked you to do one simple thing for me Carlos! And I can only guess the reason you aren't going to do it, is because you got your dick sucked."

"For your information we haven't done anything yet." He laughed at this and looked down at my mat in front of my door. "He told me last night…everything that happened to him, with his attack. The guy was beat. And raped. And dehumanized."

"It doesn't make it okay to fuck someone's boyfriend."

"Yes but…"

"It also doesn't excuse that when I offered him the job, he took it! He knew Carlos! He knew who I was and had no problem working for me, taking my money! And FYI Carlos he's lying to you! Do you not care?!"

"I wouldn't know he was lying to me if someone hadn't dragged me into this!" His jaw dropped to the floor and I shook my head putting my hands down at my sides. "I am sorry Kendall. I hate that James was that guy. I really do. I hate he hurt you like that. And if you would let me, I would beat the shit out of him for it. But right now…you're angry, and I understand. But you're taking that anger out on someone who isn't even anything to you anymore. They stopped seeing each other. What else do you want?" I could see it in his eyes, he was close to tears. I knew he was upset, and I knew I was right. Hes just acting on impulse. "What more could be done, to make you happy? James almost killed himself because of what he put you through. Do you want him to try again? Do you want Logan to try too? What do you want?"

"I want to feel loved Carlos." I frowned and stepped forward putting a hand on his shoulder. He was crying, but not hysterically. "James would have rather been with Logan. I wasn't good enough for him, so he went to another man. Do you know what that feels like? Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to see Logan, and know he had something I didn't have, to keep James around?" I took my hand off his shoulder and shrugged stuffing my hands into the pockets of my sweats.

"No I don't. I don't know what that feels like." He quickly wiped his face and looked down.

"Okay. So you don't know what I'm going through. You will never understand why I need to hear from Logan what he did to me, and my happiness. You will never understand why I haven't murdered James or let you murder him. I need…closure."

"Then what?" He stopped and I swallowed hard stepping forward. "What happens when they tell you everything? DO you honestly think you'll feel better? DO you think it will make the rain clouds go away, and the sun come up again? Because I don't think it will. I think it will make you feel worse. And the more you dwell on this, the harder it's going to be for you. Please Kendall…I'm asking as your best friend and your brother. Drop it." He remained blank staring at me for a solid two minutes before he pulled his car keys out from his pocket, and wiped his noes on the back of his hand.

"I can't Carlos. And if you aren't willing to help me, then I'll do it myself." He turned, hopped down the stairs and was out of my sight in a matter of seconds. I fell back against my door and ran and over my face, sighing out.

I knew, when he asked me, how shitty it was. I know that Logan was the guy James was seeing. Kendall and I found out a few months ago. James wasn't as sneaky as he thought he was. SO when we found out, Kendall had this idea to trap both Logan and James into confessing. The plan was all well and good. But then circumstances occurred. Logan actually took the job for one. And James tried to kill himself, whilst confessing to cheating on Kendall. I thought for sure, that would have changed Kendall's mind and dropped the whole thing. But when he asked me to push Logan into telling us everything…I was hesitant. But I still agreed. And although he didn't tell me the truth last night, he made an effort. I found that more noble than what James did.

I walked back into my house and locked it up again, taking off my sweater. I walked back into my bedroom and was pleasantly surprised to see Logan awake. When he saw me walk in, he sat up, pulling the blanket with him and yawned, rubbing his eyes. "Where'd you go?" I smiled pulling the blankets back and climbed in next to him. I kissed his cheek before sitting back against the headboard and pulling him back with me. "You're cold."

"I was outside…Kendall was picking something up for the bakery." He only nodded against my chest as he snuggled on it, and yawned again. I set a hand on his back while the other ran through his messy bed head. We sat in silence for a while, and I was sure he had fallen back asleep. But when I lowered my hand from his head he stirred and looked up at me. I smiled down at him, and he smiled up at me, big, but it hurt. I swallowed hard and gently pushed him up so I could sit up. He frowned and turned to me putting a hand on my leg under the blanket. "Logan…I need to tell you something." He smiled small and surprised me with how quick he was. He pushed me back up against the headboard and climbed on my lap. He put his hands on my neck and brushed his lips against mine.

"I think we did enough talking last night. Maybe we could do something else." He kissed me softly at first but then pushed harder to me. I grabbed his hips and dug my fingertips into him, but turned my head away. He continued to kiss down my neck and jaw, moving one hand down my chest and stomach.

"Logan…" He quickly turned my head and locked eyes with me. He raised his eyebrows, and gave me the cutest face in the world. I opened my mouth, but it was no use. No words came out. He smirked to himself and leaned back in, biting at my bottom lip. He nibbled at my lip ring before moving his lips back down my neck, where he started to suck. I completely forgot what we were going to talk about.

He was pretty strong at taking control, but after a minute of heavy making out, I had, had enough. I flipped us so he was lying on his back in the middle of the bed, and I was over top of him. I quickly tore off my shirt and set my hands outside his head. I wanted to lean back into kiss him, but he set his hands on my chest and rubbed over the tattoos there. I frowned when he sat up on his elbows and looked at all of them like they were pieces of art in a museum. "You act like you've never seen tattoos before." He smirked and laid back down running his hands over my arms.

"Well I have…I just have never thought they were sexy. That is until now of course." I laughed sitting on my knees between his open legs and lifted him to a sitting position. He sat up and let me tug off his shirt. He raised his hands and I took it off over his head, tossing it to the side. He laid back quick and because of what he told me last night, I knew he was self-conscious about his scars. I thought he was gorgeous, but even if I told him that, I doubt he'd believe me.

I lowered myself slowly down to his stomach and kissed over his belly button. His hands ran up through my hair and he sighed out softly. "How can a guy with such a tough exterior, be so soft and gentle?" I frowned glancing up at his face and he chuckled. "I'm just saying…you got all these muscles, and piercings and tattoos…yet hold me and kiss me like I'm a little puppy."

"You are a little puppy." He pushed me up quick and rolled us over, so he was straddling my waist. He put his hands on the waist band of my sweats and tugged softly. I raised up on my elbows and watched as he tried to tug off my sweats. "You got yourself up there. And now you want to take my pants off?" He glared at me, scooting off my body and I smiled.

"Shut up…the last time I had sex the majority of our clothes were on." I swallowed hard, knowing he was talking about James, and remembered what I wanted to talk to him about. But as I watched him, transfixed on his hands for some reason, I let my guilty thoughts leave my mind. He shimmied out of my sweats on his body and tugged his boxers down as well. My mouth became parched as he exposed himself to me and roughly shoved me back down onto the bed. I very willingly let him tug off my sweats and my boxers, without saying one word. When we were both undressed he crawled back over me and when our faces were inches apart, he kissed me while grabbing ahold of my flaccid dick, and rubbing softly. I groaned, raising my hands and grabbed the sides of his face. Again…what was I going to tell him?

It was the first time in a long time I had topped during sex. He seemed really hesitant at first…when he got on hands and knees he put a hand on my lower abs and stopped me before I entered. But he seemed to collect himself and let me enter him. It was slow and sensual. It was romantic. Something I'm definitely not used too. And when we came, together (another first for me) he let e fall on my back. He wasted no time in crawling up next to me, and when he got right by me, he wiped off the sweat on my face, making me smile. He giggled, the cutest noise in the world and collapsed on my chest wrapping am arm and leg over my body. I sighed out, happy and looked up at my ceiling, letting hi trace over one of the many tattoos on my left peck. I didn't need to look; just by his tracing I knew he was looking at the tattoo of the dove. "What's the dove for?"

"My mom. She died of cancer when I was 15." He glanced up at my face, sadness covering his own face and I shook my head rubbing his cheek. "It's sad but it was so long ago." He frowned and gently laid his head back down on my chest. "Tell me about your parents." He laughed shaking his head on my chest and I reached down pinching his butt. He squeaked and sat up fast slapping my chest. I also sat up and nuzzled my nose into his neck, kissing softly. His arms wrapped around my neck and he sighed out.

"We should go get breakfast. I worked up an appetite." I nodded licking the shell of his ear and he shivered. "Would it be weird to go to the bakery?" I gently pulled away and he bit his bottom lip shrugging. "I'm just wondering…I don't want Kendall to…" Before he could finish a phone, I assumed his, started to ring. He moved around me, but kept his legs on my lap and grabbed his phone from my nightstand. I set my hands on his butt and rubbed gently. He glanced back at me as he put the phone to his ear and smiled. "Hello? Oh…hi Kendall." He frowned sitting up and I started to feel panicked. "Uhm yeah…I'm with Carlos…yeah we had a great night." He smiled small and sat on my lap facing me. "Actually we were just thinking of going somewhere for breakfast…uhm….sure. That sounds good. Where were you guys thinking?" It went quiet and I went to reach for his phone but he swatted my hand away. "Oh yeah! Okay…I'm sure Carlos doesn't mind driving…okay see you in a bit! Bye!" He hung up and tossed his phone to the side, looking confused. "Well that was weird…Kendall and James invited us to breakfast at their house. I only said yes because I'm hungry, and someone else is gonna cook beside you and I." He pushed off me and jumped off the bed, running out of the room. I heard the bathroom light turn on and it made me get out of bed.

"Do I not get a say?" I walked up behind him as he splashed water on his face and rubbed it. He got back up and frowned drying it with one of my dark green towels.

"Why wouldn't you want to? They are your friends. Which makes me a little curious as to why he called me and not you but…" Probably because he knew I would say no. The only reason being, Kendall is still really pissed off. And he was going to try to get it out of James or Logan one way or another. I didn't want Logan to get hurt and I don't think Kendall cared about my feeling on the subject. "Uhm I'm gonna need some clothes. Mine from yesterday are still dirty and…" I put up a hand and smirked nodding. "This is gonna be fun! It's like…were an official couple!" He kissed me, wrapping his arms around my neck before running out.

I rubbed the back of my neck but I couldn't agree with Logan. This might actually be really, really bad.

**Hey…just a fun side note…uhm writing about Carlos the way I have been…I really want him to be covered in tattoos and piercings now. I bet he would be really sexy.**


	8. Chapter 8: Bad Thrown At Him

I hated admitting that 80% of the reason I wanted to go to breakfast, and Kendall's and James was because in the whole year that I've been with James I never got to see where he lived. He was always coming over to my place, which is understandable. You usually don't want the man your seeing behind your boyfriends back, to come to the house you share with your boyfriend, but I was still curios to see where he slept, and got ready in the morning before he came to see me. The strangest thing for me was too know I was going to his house when I wasn't with him anymore, and I was going with my new boyfriend. I was happy with that, because I knew I was doing the right thing. I was honest, sort of, with Carlos, and I was rooting on James winning Kendall back. Everything is actually falling into the right place.

Carlos let me take a quick shower, which was great for me. I got to use his soap, which made me feel calm and relaxed. It also reminded me of how sexy he was, it smelt that good. When I came back out from the bathroom, he was already dressed, sitting on his couch, staring at his empty, quiet living room. I frowned pulling on the new shirt he gave me and walked right to him. I nudged his leg with mine and he turned to me quick. He frowned and stood up, running a hand through my still wet hair. "You're going to catch your death out there. Here…" He walked past me, rubbing his hand over my stomach and then down my hip. I turned watching him walk to a small closet by his front door and grab a plain black beanie. He tossed it to me and I caught it gracefully. I slipped it on as he pulled on a black leather jacket, over his grey sweater. He put his hood on, and then zipped up the sweater and the jacket. "I need to warn you. Kendall can be…aggressive sometimes. You've seen the nice, kind guy, but…we have an odd relationship. He thinks he has to protect me, so if he makes you uncomfortable or something…" I frowned taking my coat from him and put it on zipping it up fast.

"What would he need to say? He's already said if I break your heart, he'll break my legs. I don't plan on breaking your heart so I'm not worried." He smiled small and grabbed my hand kissing my forehead.

"Your so cute." I blushed, letting him lead me to his front door. "Come on Max! Let's go see Uncle James and Kendall!" I smiled, turning to see Max run out from the bedroom, tongue flapping out of his mouth. He bolted out the door and we walked out behind him. I stayed by Carlos's side as he locked up his house, but looked out to make sure Max didn't run off too far. When we walked down the stairs to get to his car, he slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him hard. I giggled and turned to him, leaning into kiss him. He ducked out of the way, let me go quickly, and before I had time to register what was happening, I was hit in the face with snow. It wasn't hard, but it was cold, and shocking. Max started barking, and with my eyes closed, I could only hear Carlos laugh. I wiped the snow off my face and glared at him as he laughed. By himself, but he was still laughing. Like it was the funniest thing ever. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I couldn't help it." I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest. He sighed out and walked to me slowly. "I'm sorry…I couldn't resist it. I just thought you'd be super cute with snow all over your face and…" Before he could finish, I jumped on him, made him fall back on the four feet of snow on the grass, and rubbed snow on his face. I jumped off quick and ran towards his car, Max barking happily behind me. When I stopped at the passenger door, I swallowed hard and turned around to see him standing up, brushing off the back of his pants. I covered my mouth, to hide hard I was laughing, but he glared at me. Max stood right in front of me and panted, watching his dad. Carlos walked over to us slowly and is wallowed hard, waiting for the rebuttal. He got right in front of me and…kissed me softly. I was taken back and could only stare at him as he pressed softly into my mouth. When he pulled back he chuckled, wiping some snow off my face I must have missed and sighed out. "You're lucky you're cute." He unlocked his car and pushed me aside opening my door for me. I kissed him softly, before smiling small and slid in the seat, letting him close the door hard. Seconds later the backdoor was opened behind me and Max jumped in. I turned around to him quick to get a big wet slobbery kiss to my face. "Down Max…he's mine." I glared at Carlos as he shut the door and walked around the front of his car, getting in the driver seat fast. When he put the key in the ignition and turned on the heat, I grabbed his right hand and held it in my lap glancing out at the snow falling around us. It was romantic. It was perfect.

I was not surprised to find out where Kendall and James lived. It was fairly close to my place. It was the more rich part of town, big fancy houses, and gated apartments and condos, like mine. Carlos pulled up to one of these gates, a complex called Fire Side Ridge. He put a code on the small touch screen, and a second later the gate opened. He didn't drive too far into the complex, before I saw James car. When he parked next to it, and I got out, I automatically saw James. He was sitting at the bottom of some stairs and to my surprise and horror, he was smoking. I frowned and let Carlos take my hand after he got Max out of the back of the car, leading me to James. Getting closer I could see the scar on James left wrist as he raised his hand to take a drag form the cancer stick. "Dude…when did you start smoking again? Kendall will kill you." James laughed shaking his head and blew out a puff of smoke, patting Max's head as eh jumped up on the stair next to him.

"Why do you think I'm out here?" Carlos laughed quietly and James and I locked eyes. "He's irritating the shit out of me. One minute he's telling me he wants to cuddle, SO we cuddle. He curls up in a ball under my arm and then five minutes pass and he's asking me if I ever had sex with him after I had sex with the other guy." I looked down fast and scratched the back of my neck feeling my cheeks flush. I knew for a fact that countless times James would leave Kendall and come right to me…and then go back to Kendall. The more I think about it, I can't believe I ever let a man do that to me. Or Kendall for that matter. "He is making em wish he had kicked me the fuck out and threw me out on my ass. This is unbearable."

"This coming from the guy who broke his heart and cheated on him." I glanced to the side of Carlos's face and frowned seeing him sigh out softly. "I think considering the fact that he won't let me kill you, should tell you something. You gotta let him deal with it the way he wants. Okay?" I looked down again and swallowed hard.

"I know..i gotta give him space, and let him come to me. I've heard that before." I looked up fast and saw him smirk as he took one final drag from the death stick and tossed it to the snow on the ground, where it went out immediately. "Let's get in there before Kendall blows his gasket. I hope you guys are hungry…he's been cooking all damn morning." James turned and jogged up the stairs, letting Max chase after him. We followed close, but James was in his apartment with Max before we were at the top of the stairs. I gently tugged on Carlos's arm and got on the stair with Carlos as he stopped.

"You didn't tell Kendall about me and my…last relationship did you?" He frowned and re-situated his beanie on my head. I swatted his hand away and he chuckled, squeezing my hand still in his

"No. Kendall Is just a freak when it comes to entertaining. And like I said, he'll be weird. It's okay though." I rolled my eyes letting him lead me up the rest of the stairs. When he stepped in the apartment, he let me go in further while he shut the door and I stopped, glancing around the huge, bright, clean beautiful living and dining room. The living and dining room where as big as my kitchen, living room and bedroom. The really shitty part, was I probably paid almost as much for a super smaller lace. "Let me take your coat." I grateful shrugged out of my coat and took off my beanie handing it to Carlos as he threw mien and his stuff to a chair by the front door. I sighed out hearing soft talking from around a corner up ahead and awkwardly walked behind Carlos as he told Max to behave. When we turned the corner, my nerves got the best of me and I put my hand in the back pocket of his dark blue skinny jeans. He glanced back raising an eyebrow an di shrugged. He laughed and lead me into a huge big kitchen. I don't know why I was feeling so weird. I guess I just didn't like being in this house, with Kendall and James and Carlos…it felt like something was going to go wrong. Intuition I guess.

We walked right up towards James and Kendall who were in front of a six burner stove, three frying pans cooking eggs, sausage, and French Toast. I heard my stomach growl and took my hand out of Carlos's pocket. Kendall turned fast and smiled big, waving at us softly. "You guys got here just in time! Everything is done, and a fresh pot of coffee just finished brewing. Who wants some?"

"I'll actually take some OJ if you got it?" Kendal rolled his eyes but nodded and turned to the fridge. "You want some Loges?" I saw James glance over at us and nodded fast, swallowing hard. "I'll come bring it out to you. You can go ahead and take a seat." I again nodded and let him kiss my cheek. I turned slowly locking eyes with James and walked out of the kitchen towards the dining room.

I sat down at the long, 6 person table, by myself and put my hands in my lap looking at the very expensive looking plates and silverware on the table. Maybe this was okay. Maybe it would be okay. I was kidding myself, but the nerves left my body as soon as James walked out, holding a glass of milk. He pulled out the chair across from me and sat down smiling small at me. "How have you been?" I shrugged softly and he glanced to the kitchen where Carlos and Kendall were talking to each other close not looking out at us. "Carlos seems completely smitten by you. And you look pretty happy yourself." His voice was soft and quiet. I looked back out and saw Carlos shake his head as he stirred in some milk in my coffee cup. "I think I'm gonna tell him. It might help him to deal with this better…I guess. I don't even know anymore." I frowned sitting back and remained quiet as Kendall walked out holding a cup of coffee.

"So…how was everyone's night?" I smiled politely at Kendall as he walked back in the kitchen and grabbed a plate of French toast and a plate of sausages. Carlos carried out his cup and mine and set them down between my seat and his. He sat down and glared at Kendall as he set the food on the table. "Anyone get laid?"

"Kendall enough." I bunched my eyebrows together as I turned to look at Carlos who was still glaring at Kendall. Kendall finally sat down after setting a bowl of fruit on the table and the eggs. "How are you doing James?" We all shifted our attention to James who was staring at Kendall but shook his head and looked to Carlos.

"Fine. I can't do a lot, but I'm better." Kendall chuckled at this and I felt that sick feeling again. Like something was going to go wrong. James ignored Kendall as he took two pieces of French Toast and scooped some eggs on his plate. "Eggs Logan?" I swallowed hard and nodded picking up my plate and lifting it so James could put eggs on it. "Kendall?"

"Funny I get asked after Logan." Everyone turned to Kendall and we locked eyes. He blinked fast and looked down shaking his head. "I'm sorry…" I felt y leg get squeezed under the table and turned to Carlos who was staring at Kendall. "I…I can't do this anymore." James threw the spoon for the eggs down and I set my plate down gently. "I can't…"

"Kendall…" Carlos and Kendall stared at each other and Kendall shook his head turning to look back at e.

"Tell me the truth." The blood in my veins froze as my body raced with fear and nausea. My leg was squeezed again but for once, I felt no comfort for Carlos. "I want to hear it out of your mouth that you've been…"

"Kendall enough!" Carlos slammed his hand down on the table making Kendall, who was now crying softly, turn to Carlos. "You're making yourself upset. Calm the hell down."

"What the hell is going on?" I saw James put a hand on Kendall's shoulder, but blocked him out for the moment. I felt like I was going to hurl. Kendall knew. He somehow found up it was me who was with James. I don't know how, but he knew.

"Why don't you ask your boy toy across from you?" James's hand was off Kendall's shoulder and they stared at each other. "Does it make you happy knowing you got my boyfriend, and my best friend to play this sick twisted game of yours? Did you do it just to get the attention and any man you could get your hands on? Did you do it just because you knew you could?"

"Kendall…I think we need to talk in private." I swallowed hard sitting back in my seat and felt tears fall out of my eyes. "Carlos can you take Logan in the living room?"

"No James!" Kendall's loud strong voice made all of us turn to him as he stared James down. "For once in your pathetic miserable life why don't you stop to think about me?! Don't you see how crazy this is making me? Do you even realize that this whole time you've been sleeping with him, I've been asking myself what I did to deserve it!?" James made a move to touch Kendall but Kendall shoved his hand away hard and roughly. When he turned his gaze back to me, I wiped my face fast and swallowed hard looking down at my lap. "I didn't hire you because I wanted to work with you. I hired you because I wanted to corner you and force you to tell em what a piece of shit you really are. I wanted to hear from you, the reason you made the man I love break my heart. You mean absolutely nothing to me and I am glad James dumped you. I wish…I wish every single God damn night that those men who hurt you, just finished the job and had killed you."

"Kendall!" I wasn't sure who had shouted it. It was either James or Carlos. I couldn't tell anymore because my mind was blank and numb. I felt like I was in the air, in limbo if you will. I wasn't going up, but I sure as hell wasn't going to come down anytime soon.

"Don't stick up for him anymore! And why don't you tell him the truth Carlos! Tell him the reason you were soooo interested in him!" I couldn't believe I was looking up but my head told me something had happened with Carlos and I needed to see him. When I looked up at him, because he was staring down at Kendall I felt my bottom lip quiver. "Tell him Carlos! Tell him you only went out with him because I wanted you to make him trust you so he would confide in you. You don't really like him, like you tell him! You were just using him for me! FYI Logan…no one in this room wants you here. James dumped you, I sure as hell don't want you, and you were just some piece of ass to Carlos! SO why don't you just do us all a favor and go catch your death outside!" I closed my eyes again and felt my tears h9it my hands balled up in my lap.

The whole house went quiet. I heard movement in front of me, and couldn't dare to glance to see what it was. It wasn't until I heard a door slam, reality hit me in the face. I opened my eyes, rubbing under them to get the tears off my face. I stood up, keeping my head down and turned away from the table. I walked blindly to the front door, but only got to put my hand on it. A strong, warm, once comforting hand grasped my shoulder and turned me softly. "Logan…" I shoved as hard as I could and looked up to see Carlos stumble back. He swallowed hand and made a step to come towards me, but I shoved him again. "Logan please hear me out…"

"I opened up to you." He stopped and closed his eyes, looking down. "I told you something that only James ever knew. I trusted you. I…I liked you. A lot Carlos." I wiped at my face again and swallowed hard hearing talking coming from behind Carlos. "I know what I did was shitty….and I have to live with that the rest of my life. But you…just…just stay away from me." I turned again and was grabbed again. He turned me back to face him and while I tried to push him off he trapped me between the door and his strong body.

"Logan please…I…just hear me out please."

"Leave me alone! Let me go!" He released me fast and I shook my head making myself seem strong. "Don't…touch me…don't call me and don't come see me Carlos. Just…just leave me alone." He closed his eyes as tears fell out and I turned, opened the door and walked out fast.

I was halfway towards the gate to leave when I realized I very well might catch my death out here. At least Kendall would be happy. I shoved my hands in my pockets, and didn't care if I looked like a mess. Because no one else did. "Logan! Logan…God damnit….will you slow down! It's only 12 degrees out here!" I tried my hardest to ignore James voice, but hearing him only made me feel worse and all I wanted to do was grab him and hold him until I cried myself to sleep. I stopped walking but didn't turn to face him. I waited until he was in front of me, bundled up, holding one of his big puffy black jackets. He threw it around my shoulder, and I slipped my arms inside. I went to grab him but didn't need to. I was pulled roughly into his chest, where I greedily shoved my face into, inhaled his warm, musky, familiar and relaxing scent, and cried out quietly in his chest. "I am so sorry…I…I had no idea they were…God I am so sorry Logan. You shouldn't have heard that. You don't need to get ideas like that shit in your head."

"But I am a piece of shit James."

"Me too…doesn't mean we don't have a life to live. Don't let him creep into your head please? He's just pissed at me, and took it out on you, because he knew he could…I'm sorry…look why don't we get…some coffee somewhere. Or I could just take you home?" I chuckled in his chest and shook my head, still crying, a little harder now. Even after everything, James was still there for me. He was still my bodyguard. My protector.

"James…you need to be with Kendall…"

"Carlos is taking care of that." I squeezed my eyes shut hard and clutched onto his jacket on his back. "I'm gonna take you home and make sure your warm, your tummy is full and you don't shed another tear. And I don't care if you fight me on it. Its gonna happen, you got that?" I cried out quietly again but nodded my head.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I got the really short end of the stick in this whole thing. Dumped by a man I loved, and used by another one I could have loved. But the absolute worst part…was knowing a guy, who I could have been best friends with, only saw me as a waste of life and space. I guess I only wanted Kendall's friendship because of that whole guilt thing. But more importantly, I just wanted him to know, I wasn't a bad guy. I was just a guy who's had bad thrown at him all his life. He would never know that now because I would never see him, or Carlos again. And that killed me.


	9. Chapter 9: Big Brown Eyes

"You're an asshole! Do you really feel better now, jackass?!" I quietly closed the front door and swallowed hard hearing the shouting, and the slamming of things in the kitchen. I didn't want to go in there. Only because I just came from a quiet, calm, peaceful place. Somewhere I probably wouldn't be in a long time. Logan's place. I could tell he didn't want me there, and not because he hates me, but because…everything fell apart. Badly. It would be best if I didn't seem him right now. Driving him home, getting him in bed and telling him to call me for anything was the least I could do. It was bad enough to do that to him, but when he gave me the clothes Carlos lent him to give back to Carlos…I don't know. I felt even worse. But I took them, and drove all the way back home, just to hear Carlos and Kendall screaming at each other.

I walked out to the dining room and took a seat throwing my keys down on the table. Carlos who had his back turned to me turned and frowned. I gently threw his clothes and jacket to the floor by his feet and glared at him. He closed his eyes, slumping against the cupboards and slid down on his butt. He put his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. I didn't feel one bit bad for him. "I'm sure you took him home…made sure he was okay? While I was here crying my eyes out."

"You did it to yourself douche bag." Carlos was quiet, but I heard him and I cleared my throat taking off my coat.

"Like you have any room to talk." Both Carlos and Kendall turned to me, but I looked directly up at Kendall. "I don't know how many times I have to apologize to you. I tried to kill myself and that still wasn't good enough for you." Kendall's mouth fell open and he tossed a glass into the sink. It shattered.

"Don't you dare do that James! You put yourself in this position! You fucked him and hid it from me! I didn't make you enter him at any time and I sure as hell didn't put the blade to your fucking wrist!"

"You're right. This is my fault." The kitchen went quiet and he leaned against the stove, giving me a sad, angry look. "Kendall I made a huge mistake. I hurt you, and I can never take it back. DO I regret it? Yes, because I lost you. But…even if I try to explain this to you, you won't care so…" I put my elbows on my knees and looked down at the floor.

"James…here's a concept." I looked up slowly at Kendall who was letting slow tears escape his eyes. "Talk to me. Tell me the truth. It's all I wanted form the start. Explain yourself…please." I swallowed hard seeing Carlos picking at the denim on his knee. "Los…can you give us a minute?"

"No whatever this piece of shit has to say he can say in front of me. It will determine how hard I fucking kick his ass." I rolled my eyes but turned to Kendall shrugging.

"I thought…I thought he needed me. He was…he was so hurt and all alone." He looked away and wiped his cheek but I stood up and continue. "I did…I did work the night he was attacked. When we got there…the cops had the two other EMTS in the back of their car and I could hear him crying in his apartment. When we got in, he was on his couch, wrapped in a blanket, shaking, pale and bloody. The cop explained as best as he could what happened, only upsetting him more, and when I got to him…something happened. I put a hand on his shoulder and told him everything would be alright. He cowered at first but then…he grabbed a hold of me, and wouldn't let go. I felt so bad for him. All I wanted to do was hold him until the pain went away. SO I did." Kendall very slowly slid down the stove and sat on his butt up against it. I walked right next to him and sat down looking at the sink ahead of me. Carlos was staring at me, but I ignored him. "Every time I went to work, I went to check on him in the hospital. He was timid at first but finally opened up to me. We would talk for hours at a time. He told me about his life…I was always talking about you." I glanced over to Kendall who had a smile on his face. It was small but it was there. "Eventually he got released from the hospital. I was horrified to find out, no one was there for him. He was going to have to take a cab, back to his apartment, which was still trashed. He was about to get in the cab when I stopped him, and offered to take him home. It was a struggle, but he finally gave in. When I got him there…he broke down again and tried to clean up the blood and the broken glass but…" I stopped remembering how he eventually just fell to the floor in his room and stared at the words written on his wall. I remember, very clearly, taking him and just holding him. That was the first night we had sex. "He was so scared. And hurt. I felt like all I could do was be there for him. In any way he needed me."

"Did he make the first move?" I turned to Kendall to see him wiping under his eye but staring at the cupboard in front of him. "Was it him or you? I'm just curious…" I laughed and also looked ahead of me.

"It was me." I saw him nod next to me and I shrugged. "I honestly thought it's what he needed. He stopped it. I swear to you, he stopped it. He was worried about you…he didn't want me to hurt you. But…I became attached at that point and somehow convinced him. It was a two way street…yes Logan could have said no. But…I initiated it. I made all the moves and I was the one who wanted it as a physical thing, more than him."

"Are you trying to make him look better or dig yourself in a deeper hole?" I turned quick on my butt to Kendall and grabbed his face. I made him turn to me. His eyes stayed closed but he put his hands on mine.

"I lost you Kendall. I don't think I'm ever going to get you back." He cried out quietly and I gently pulled him into me. He wrapped around my back tight and cried on my shoulder. "But everything I did, wasn't because I didn't love you, or I wanted to hurt you. I just didn't know how to handle the situation. I panicked, got in too deep and…and now where here." He tried his hardest to pull himself up on my lap, but I had to help, quite a bit. I held him tight and rubbed his back. "I know how upset you are, and I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I wish I could have handled this differently, please believe that. But…it's happened and…and now I know exactly the type of guy I am. The one who just…isn't right for you. I am man enough to know you deserve better. And I'm man enough to know that I need to do some growing up and, find myself. My real self." He cried out quieter this time and turned his head breathing out hard. I glanced over my shoulder to see Carlos looking at us sad. I smiled small and sighed out. "I got my own apartment. I'm moving in, in a week." Kendall pushed off me fast and looked at me, worried. I smiled small and wiped at his face shaking my head. "I need to give you, your space. Like you said. If you see your life in ten years, and I'm next to you, we'll come back to each other. But right now…"

"I can't just let you, out on the street James." I chuckled making him frown and wipe at his face.

"After all the shit I've put you through, and you still want to take care of me?" he blushed looking down and shrugged. I cautiously, kissed his forehead and closed my eyes keeping my lisp pressed into his skin.

"I think I'm taking this break up harder than you." He moved around on me, curling into a ball and clung onto my arm, again lying his head on my shoulder.

"It could have been worse. You could have had Ali back there kill me." I glanced over at him but he wasn't looking at us. He looked upset. I know it's because of Logan, but…he got what he deserves. "It's really shitty what you did to him." I hugged around Kendall who sniffled his nose, thankfully no longer crying. It Breaks my heart to hear him cry. Especially knowing it was my fault. "I know you were helping out Kendall…and you wanted to make him feel better but…you're better than that."

"Yeah well…it's Kendall's fault. He couldn't take care of his own shit, and dragged me into it. If he was just a God damn man and dealt with this…"

"Enough." Kendall turned into my neck and sighed out squeezing me tighter. "No one in this kitchen is a saint. But no one is better than the other. Take a note out of your own book and be a man. Fess up to your actions and deal with the consequences." Carlos looked away from me and I breathed in hard, and exhaled softly, and calmly. "I'm sorry I let you down Kendall. And I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Me too." He was quiet, and my heart snapped one more time. "I shouldn't…I should not have done that. I shouldn't have done any of this…to you or Logan. Or Carlos. I should have…"

"We've both done some stupid shit Kendall. It doesn't make you a horrible person."

"I said horrible things to him. I'm not usually like that. I need to…I need to make it right."

"You shouldn't have said anything to begin with asshole!" We both sat up and turned to Carlos who was standing up. He picked up his clothes and jacket and stormed out. Kendall jumped off em fast and chased after him. I sighed out and got up slowly walking out to the living room to see Kendall standing in front of the door blocking Carlos from leaving. "get out of my way Kendall. I don't want to hurt you."

"Please Carlos…let me make it right. I promise you I will!"

"What makes you think he'll want to see you?!" Kendall frowned and looked down wiping his face.

"Well he sure as hell doesn't want to see you." Carlos turned to me, rage seeping out of every pore. "I've known him for a while…again I'm sorry Kendall…and I know for sure when he tells you to stay away, you need to stay away." Carlos deflated fast and turned walking to the couch. He sat down tossing his clothes to the floor, sitting down hard. He laid back and rubbed his face sighing out hard. "Why don't we all just…relax. I'll go get breakfast…and some bad junk food and then we'll watch bad B movie horror movies all day." I gently pushed Kendall towards the couch, where he fell down hard, and laid on Carlos. Carlos didn't look like he wanted it, but he didn't try to fight it. I smirked and slipped my coat back on, grabbing my keys from the table and walked to the front door. "Let me know if you guys need anything." I only saw Carlos nod and walked out fast so the cold didn't get in the house.

I walked down the steps carefully, and made my way to my truck. I held my keys loosely in my hand and walked down the sidewalk towards my truck. Before I got to my door, I heard a voice. A familiar voice. "Be carefully buddy! Watch out for that man!" I turned fast and saw a kid, maybe 5 years old, riding a bike helmet on. He didn't look like he was going to be stopping. I reached out carefully, and stopped him, looking up, hearing running. I stood up fast and smiled big seeing none other than the nurse who looked out for me in the hospital. Matthew. "I'm sorry. He's still learning…James?" I waved softly and put my hands in my pockets as he walked up to me. He quickly scooped the kid up off his bike and put him on his bike. "You live here?"

"Yeah…well I'm moving in a week but…yeah I live up there." I pointed to my apartment and he nodded looking up at it. "Who is this brave little guy…riding a bike in this cold?" He frowned and helped him unstrap his helmet.

"This is my nephew Craig…I'm…I'm watching him for a little while. I told him it's too cold but he insisted."

"I just got my training wheels off mister! I was really good huh?" Matthew laughed, and I nodded putting up my hand. He gave it a high five and I chuckled. "Uncle Mattie? Can we have hot cocoa?!" Matthew nodded and let him squirm out of his arms.

"Sure…why don't you take your bike back under the stairs?" He nodded and gently picked up his bike and pushed it back down the sidewalk. "Well it was good seeing you James. You looked healthy."

"Well I feel healthy." We went quiet and I took the chance to look at him. He was about a head short than me. But he was built. And didn't have one single fault on him. Not one.

"Well I gotta get back to Craig…I'll see you around." I felt my head nod and he turned, smiling small. I felt something weird hit inside my head and I moved forward.

"Uhm Matthew?" He turned quick and smiled bigger. "I was wondering…would you like to maybe…get some coffee with me? Maybe tomorrow?" He blushed looking down and stepped back towards me.

"Yeah. I actually would love to." He looked up and bit at his lip. "I work tomorrow, but I'm off at 10 in the morning."

"Great…uhm I could pick you up and we could go to that Starbucks right across the street from the hospital."

"Okay. Sounds great! I'll see you tomorrow!" He waved softly, again and turned walking back to Craig who was sitting on the bottom of the stairs, waiting patiently. I smiled big and turned back to my truck, unlocking it. When I climbed in, I shut the door hard and sat back, honestly forgetting my I even came out here.

I just couldn't stop thinking about his big brown eyes.


	10. Chapter 10: Little?

This is one of those times, where I wished I had gotten a puppy or a kitten a few years ago. Because then I would have someone to cuddle with. And from what I've heard, cats and dogs just love you unconditionally. You don't even have to talk (although the crazier ones do). And most importantly, they don't stab you in the back, or break your heart. They just sit on your lap, lick your face dry, and love you. Why can't humans take a note out of their book?

Even though I didn't have a boyfriend or a cat or dog to cuddle with, I was doing a stand up job of making myself feel better. It was unfortunate I had to go to the store, but because the past three days all I've done is lie in bed, eat out my entire kitchen, and only shower once, I was in need of supplies. This is why I loved Walmart. I could get my firewood, my groceries, a bunch of horrible romantic comedies, and all the beer I could imagine, in one shop. It was embarrassing to lie to the lady at the checkout, who asked me if I was having a party because of all my crap, but it was better than telling her I was pathetic and just staying in my house by myself. The worst part of begin by myself was taking all my crap inside. I lived upstairs, so strike one. I had 27 thousand bags of stuff, strike two. And there was ice everywhere. Strike three. It wasn't snowing anymore, but it was so cold out, everything froze. SO these three contributing factors, led me to fall. I smacked my knee on the edge of one of the middle concrete stairs, but I was so numb from my heart ache, and cold to be honest, I didn't even feel pain. After getting everything in my house however, I got in my boxers and plain white shirt and plopped on my couch with all my goodies around me, to find a big fat swollen bruised knee. Great. SO it was a slow start to feeling better, but at least I interacted with outside people.

So this is where I was. Alone, hurt, and sad out of my God damn mind. All I wanted was someone to call me. Come see. Tell me I wasn't a horrible person. And I wanted someone who wasn't Carlos. Every day, every other hour or so I was either getting a text or a call. A few times, just yesterday, he came to my apartment. I only looked out the peep hole and stared at him as he gave me some drawn out speech about why he did it. I wasn't really paying attention. I did however notice the roses he had. When he left, and I made sure he was really gone, I stepped on the roses, and then cut them up with one of my knives in the kitchen. My next door neighbor came out at this time, but I just smiled big at him and slammed my door leaving the mulch on my welcome mat. The next time he came to my door, I watched him pick up a few petals and walk away without saying another word. My point was finally made.

And I know…I know I could have gotten company from Carlos. But it wasn't the kind of company I wanted. Because that would just be me, yelling at him, hitting him…saying horrible things. I had no energy for that. Especially with my bum knee. And I used my bum knee as an excuse to not get the door when I heard soft knocking. I groaned pausing my movie and slowly took my leg off the pillow. I had it up and elevated with a bag of frozen pea son it. As soon as my foot touched the ground, a pain shot through my entire leg, and it made me stop walking for a minute. But it wasn't the only thing that made me stop. It was the voice that made it through the heavy wood of my door. "Logan? Are you in there?" It was Kendall. I tensed up, wishing I hadn't even gotten up. I was stuck in my spot. Do I answer the door and let him kick my ass? Because he probably wants too. And I didn't have the energy to stop him. Or should I just go back to my bed, pretend I don't hear him, and put some old Cartoons on the TV and fall asleep? "Look…I know you're here. I saw your car. I just want to talk to you. Please?" I swallowed hard, limping slowly, very slowly to the door. "I was a dick okay…and if you just let me explain…" I put both hands softly on the door and peered through the peep hole. Kendall had a dark grey beanie on his head and a big black puffy jacket. He was looking down softly shaking his head and finally looked up all the way and sighed out. "Okay. I understand. I'm the last person you want to see but…but if you ever just want to talk…" He shrugged looking at my door and swallowed hard. I watched his Adams apple go up and down quick as he turned. "Just give me a call Logan." When he was out of my sight, I unlocked my door fast and swung it open as best as I could, getting out of the way of the door. I put my head out and saw him halfway down the stairs.

"Kendall?" I hated how quiet and shaky my voice was. He turned though and walked back up, looking at me. Except he wasn't looking at my face.

"What happened to you?" I frowned looking down at my black and purple knee and shook my head. "Logan you need to get that checked out."

"Yeah that's the last thing I want. I hate hospitals." I looked up to see him frown at me and I smiled small. "What did you want to talk about?" He sighed out and shoved his hand sin the pockets of his jacket. I was already cold, but I didn't know if I wanted him in my house. Not yet anyway.

"I wanted to apologize. I was a dick for no real reason, except I was angry and in so much pain. I should not have dealt with it the way I had, and I'm sorry."

"Well apology accepted. Nice seeing you again Kendall." I moved back in my house slowly and tried to shut my door but he put his long, tall body in the way, with one hand on the wood of the door. I glanced up at his face and he frowned.

"I'm trying here Logan. It's not easy for me to face you, you of all people and apologize, okay? SO just hear me out, please?" I stepped back eyebrows raised trying my hardest to ignore the pain in my leg.

"Hear you out? Oh I'm sorry you didn't get it all out a couple days when you basically told me to kill myself? Why should I even listen to one word you say? Owe…" I felt my body giving out, and braced myself for falling on my face as my knee buckled under my weight.

"Logan…" I was caught even before I fell, and opened my eyes to see Kendall gracefully, and easily picking me up. I was forced to wrap my arms around his neck as he carried me like a bride to my couch. "You need to get that wrapped. And elevated and iced."

"Okay mister know it all." I was put gently on my couch and put my head back. "I can take care of myself."

"I can see your doing a bang up job." I looked up fast and saw him smile as he took off his coat. He tossed it to the chair by my fireplace. He pushed up the sleeves on his long black and white baseball type shirt and walked towards my hallway. "You got an Ace wrap or something?" I tried my hardest to watch him disappear down my hallway, but I could only hear him. I groaned putting my pain free leg up, bent, and closed my eyes pulling my blanket back over my body. "All this junk in here, and no ace wrap?"

"You can leave anytime you want jerk." I heard him chuckle and it only infuriated me more. "What do you want Kendall? You said sorry, I forgave you. Can you go now?" It went quiet. I groaned loudly and sat up, opening my eyes. Kendall was standing over me, looking down holding a first aid kit. I frowned and watched as he sat on the edge of my coffee table. He pushed my bag of puffy Cheetos to the side, and put the first aid kit down. "Seriously…why are you helping me?" He looked up at me and was completely blank. He took a wrap out of the blue first aid kit I didn't even know I had and looked down, unwinding it, very slowly.

"I went yesterday with James to see his new apartment. When he got me there he told me he went out on a date." I raised my eyebrows and he shrugged. "It felt…weird. Here I am, completely heartbroken, hating myself for being a dick to a nice guy like you, and he has the balls to tell me he's moved on already?" He looked up, eyebrows raised and I swallowed hard pushing my blanket off my body. "And not just from me mind you. He had two hot guys, and already has moved onto a third. I guess it was that male nurse that looked him over at the hospital. I can see the attraction. He's young and cute…built, smart…but how can it be that easy for him?"

"James is a certain sub species of the human male. Half the time he tells you he loves you and only cares about you. And the other half of the time, he's scheming on his next move. James is a player by definition." I chuckled looking ahead at my blinds open, to show a stormy looking sky. "I know what I did was wrong. Sleeping with him, because I knew he was with you. And I'm sorry I did it. But I hate knowing…the whole time I played his game with him, all he did was play me right back."

"I don't blame you Logan. Between his ridiculous good looks, smooth lines and huge dick, no one would be able to resist." I turned to Kendall fast and saw him smirk as he hit my thigh softly. "Let me get your knee wrapped up, and then I'll get out of your hair." I turned very slowly toward shim and hissed at the pain as my foot hit his leg. I pushed through the pain however and turned, facing him so he could wrap my knee. He cleared his throat as he gently started to wrap up my knee, softly and slowly. I looked down at his handiwork and sat back, relaxed.

"Have you done something like this before? I mean…I'm not really familiar with injuries and all that. I was a book worm in high school so I never got hurt." He looked up and we locked eyes. "I'm just wondering if its going to heal alright? Not that it really matters because I won't be leaving my house anytime soon…" He chuckled looking back down and I gently laid my head back.

"When I was high school I played hockey. I even went to college to play. I was pretty good, not to sound full of myself." I smiled and he turned to the first aid, kit grabbing a small little medal clip for the wrap. "I loved the sport, I really did, but the pressure to be good…great…one of the best was too much. My dad was my biggest support and fan but…it went to the extreme. He was making me drill and practice every single day and night. I was always throwing up my food because of stress…I was anti social because hockey was the most important thing according to my dad." I looked down at my knee to see it wrapped up and he locked his hands together between his open legs. I looked up at his face and saw him looking sad. "I finally had enough in my sophomore year, of hockey. I got so fed up with my dad that one day in practice I got in one of my team mates faces. I started shoving him, slamming him in the boards…until he snapped, threw his gloves off, tore off his helmet and shoved me as hard as he could. I fell so hard onto the ice I busted up my right knee. Lucky for me I wasn't wearing any pads on my legs that day. It ended my hockey career."

"Kendall I'm so sorry…" He laughed and shook his head.

"You missed the point Logan. I wanted to fuck up. I wanted to get hurt so bad, I couldn't play anymore. And it worked. My dad let me finish my business degree, gave me some money to start up my bakery and here I am happy as ever." I sat up nodding and he shrugged. "The best part of that story is who the guy was, that pushed me." I smirked and looked down at my wrapped knee. "Carlos felt really bad, but when I told him how miserable I was, he asked if I needed him to do any more damage. And we've been best friends ever since." It hurt hearing Kendall say Carlos's name. I closed my eyes and tensed up swallowing hard. "SO to answer your question…yes I've dealt with something like this before. Your knee is gonna be fine. It looks like you just hit it really hard. It's gonna be sore and its gonna be swollen, but nothings broken. Take some Advil and you'll be okay." I nodded slowly and closed my eyes seeing him standing up slowly. "Well…I'll let you relax. I would say call me if you need anything, but I can guarantee you don't have my number anymore so…" I raised my head fast and watched him, turn pulling the sleeves back down on his arms. When he started to slip on his coat I heard my stomach grumble and did a really stupid thing.

"Kendall?" He turned, raising his eyebrows and I shrugged picking up my phone.. "I was gonna order some Chinese. And the place I always order from gives me way too much. All the time. If you don't have any other plans…and f your hungry…I mean I don't want the food to go to waste." I looked up at him, seeing him smiling at me. "Would you like to stay for dinner? Maybe watch some horrible reality TV with me? I'm not much for company seeing as I can barely walk but…" I shrugged again and felt my cheeks go hot. "I understand if I'm the last person you want to have a meal with but…"

"I actually don't have any plans." I swallowed hard glancing around me and tried to start cleaning up. "Between you and me…I'd take your company over James or Carlos." I looked up again and watched him walk his coat to the coat hanger by my door. I pulled my blanket off the seat next to me on the couch. He walked to it and slowly and carefully sat on it. When he sat right next to me, I got a strong scent of his cologne. It made me look into his green eyes as he spoke. "James…well I just don't want to be near him, and Carlos…oh my God all he does is talk about you. Logan this…Logan that. I think I know more about you than you do." I blushed again and smiled looking down at my phone. "He really does care about you. He just…tried to help me out."

"I don't care." He frowned and looked away taking off his beanie. "I trusted him. I exposed my scars to him and I felt connected to him. All he did was ruin it. Besides…it was two weeks, barely that we were together. I'm not gonna hope for a future with someone like that."

"Right because your type is the already taken." I turned to Kendall fast and he smiled big putting up his hands. "I'm joking. That was supposed to make you laugh." I frowned shoving him slightly and sat back in my seat folding my hands over my stomach. "You know what sounds really nice right now?" Kendall gently laid back down next to me, also folding his hands over his stomach. I glanced up at his face as he smiled small and shook his head. "I would love, to curl up into a ball on your floor in front of the fire, and pass out." I laughed making him turn to me and I groaned, getting myself up. His hand was on me quick, as I almost fell back but I shoved him off.

"Follow me." I limped walking down my hallway, very slowly, and was grateful he was following.

"Now I see why James was into you. Cute butt." I flipped him off over my shoulder, suddenly feeling very exposed. I was only in my boxers and a plain white t-shirt. In front fo the guy who was dating the guy, I was sleeping with. All kinds of awkward.

When I walked him into my room, I could hear him stop at my door as I climbed in my bed, falling on my back hard. When my head hit the pillow I stared at him and smirked. "I promise my bed isn't a trap…and if you wouldn't mind, the switch by the fire place turns it on." His mouth dropped open as I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "I'm not gonna force you but…my bed is warm and comfortable. You wanted to sleep…I'm offering you a bed." I looked back to him and saw him chuckle as he kicked out of his shoes. He walked slowly towards my fireplace and flipped on the switch. My room lit up with light and instant warmth. He very carefully and slowly pulled back the covers on my right side and climbed in, also lying on his back. When he got comfortable, he sighed out and put his hand son his stomach over the blanket. I glanced at his face, but looked away quickly seeing him turn to me.

"This isn't weird is it? I mean…given our past…."

"Well if you don't bring it up, it won't be weird. It's just two friends…taking a nap."

"Friends?" I turned to him fast, embarrassed, but he was smiling. He nodded turning away and I sighed out looking back up at my ceiling.

"Friends…"

"I think I can get used to that." I closed my eyes smirking, hearing him yawn. I pulled the blanket up completely under my chin and snuggled in my bed. "Not to bring up the weird again…but I think if James walked in right now, his poor little cock would explode." I opened my eyes fast and turned my head to see him facing me. He smirked and shrugged. I rolled my eyes looking back up at my ceiling and opened my mouth, just to close it back up. I couldn't help the little smirk spread across my face as one single word escaped past my lips.

"Little?"

**Real quick, poll type question: Who would be pissed to see this end up with Kogan? A beautiful reader put that idea in my head so…let me know? Review, or PM me. **


	11. Chapter 11: When In Rome

**Logan's P.O.V.**

Between the pain in my knee, and the howling wind banging against the frame of the building, there was going to be no more sleep for me. It made me sit up and groan looking out my window. Snow was beating against the glass, visibility about an inch. I sighed out scratching the back of my head and turned to my nightstand. Just as I saw 4:49am on the clock, I felt the bed move. I turned to my other side fast and sighed out in relief remembering Kendall had stayed the night. He was rolling onto his back, kicking the blankets off his body with one arm draped over his face, covering his eyes. I swallowed hard reaching out, and shook his chest. His arm fell off his face and he turned to me, groaning out loud. "Leave me alone…I'm tryin to sleep." I rolled my eyes and laid back down rubbing my face yawning. "What time is it?"

"Almost five in the morning. Which means we slept for about 10 hours." He laughed quietly beside me and I turned to him. He was looking straight up at the ceiling, arms down at his sides. "Hey…" He turned to me eyebrows raised a tired look on his face. "Thanks…thanks for coming over last night. Talking to me, helping with my knee…it means a lot" He smiled small and shrugged looking back up at the ceiling.

"You're a good guy Logan. And I was a dick to you…you didn't deserve it." My only response was shrug and I watched him sit up next to me. "Okay…I'm burning up in here…can I convince you to have breakfast with me?" He stared at me as he climbed out of my bed and walked towards my dresser where his shoes were. I sat up frowning and again shrugged. He laughed tying his black and white converse shoe and shook his head. "Come on…I know a really good bakery." I frowned pushing the blankets off my body and pointed to my wrapped knee. He glanced up at my face before looking down at my knee. "I will re wrap it, get some food in you and then take you to the ER. No questions asked." After forcing his other shoe on, he turned to the door and walked out. "I will dress you!" I slid out of bed fast groaning loudly, but smiled. Yeah he was pushy…but I think I liked that about him.

It was a struggle to get changed, but even worse to walk downstairs. Kendall had to help me most of the way, and when we finally got downstairs he hurried out to his car and pulled it up as close to me as he could get it. As soon as I sat down, I regretted leaving my warm home, but kept quiet as he drove out of the complex like a champ. It was like the wind and the snow had no effect on him. As he drove, one hand resting on his leg I caught myself staring at him. Sure he was attractive and a complete gentleman, the whole package even but given our past I doubt he would even be interested in me. I still stared at him though. His skin was a little red, probably from the wind and cold, but it made him look more relatable. Like he wasn't this God like creature I had created in my head since James told me about him. And it wasn't just that. I assumed he hated me. I destroyed his love, and maybe even his life. Yet here he was, taking em to breakfast, offering to take me to the hospital, even though I would fight him on it. He was the epitome of a good guy. And it made me feel weird. Like every time he would look over at me as we drove in silence I would look away fast and try to cover my cheeks because they were burning red from embarrassment. He had this weird effect on me. But a good weird.

BY the time we pulled up to the bakery I was confused about what I felt for this guy, but my hunger was more important. I let him help me up to the door as he pulled out the key and unlocked it. We stepped in, him holding around my waist gently, and I was hit with that same familiar smell of paint and of course cinnamon and vanilla. I smiled but I heard something form behind the counter and in the kitchen. It sounded like footsteps. I frowned and looked up at Kendall as he turned us slightly so he could lock the door. "You didn't bring me here so Carlos could corner me did you?" He chuckled and turned as back to face the counter. And of course who walks out from the kitchen. I looked back to Kendall who was now frowning and I shoved him away. "You're unbelievable. I told you I didn't want to see him. And you trap me here?" Kendall turned to me mouth open but I shook my head and started to turn to the door. I was going to limp home in the storm. I didn't care. I just had to be away from this. Especially Kendall.

"James?" I stopped, hand on the handle and turned quick seeing James walking out from behind Carlos who now that I was actually staring at him for more than a second, I noticed he had no shirt on. And as James walked out from behind Carlos, he was pulling on a shirt. I raise my eyebrows turning back to the counter and stood next to Kendall. "What the hell are you two doing here? And why are you shirtless?" I heard a huge amount of pain in Kendall's voice and quickly laced his hand with mine. I saw James glance down at this, but he ultimately kept quiet.

"I called him…piss drunk last night. I told him to meet me here, and he got drunk with me." I saw Kendall raise his eyebrows at this as Carlos continued stepping forward. "I didn't do this to hurt you Kendall…"

"DO what?" Kendall's voice was quiet and I squeezed his hand again. He squeezed back hard and took a tiny step forward. "Maybe you and I should have a conversation in private." My hand was let go of and Kendall walked off to the area I had started working on when I was working for him. Carlos followed quick, never looking at me, which I appreciated. When the French doors shut, rather slammed, I looked up to see, to my horror, a hickey on James neck. I laughed to myself and looked down shoving my hands in my pockets.

"So you and Carlos huh?"

"It's not what it looks like." I laughed again and looked up to see him walking towards me. "We were drunk." I nodded slowly and looked into his gorgeous hazel eyes, swallowing hard. "And why do you care? You aren't with either of us."

"Oh trust me James I don't care…I just wonder if Matthew knows what kind of dirt bag you are." His face turned into confusion and I nodded slowly. "All you care about is getting your dick sucked by some poor helpless guy. You don't care about anyone's feelings. I'm just sorry it had to come to this for me to see that."

"First of all…Matthew moved. His sister needed help with her son and he moved to Texas to be with them." I rolled my eyes looking at the closed French doors hoping Kendall would come out soon. "Second of all who the hell are you to talk? I can't imagine you Kendall didn't fuck already. Let me guess…you guys just slept?"

"You're a dick…" I tried to turn, but he grabbed me and stopped me. "Don't you think you've hurt Kendal enough?" We locked eyes and I saw a glimmer of regret flash in his eyes. "You first cheat on him, lie to him and now your screwing his best friend? That is low and even for you." I shoved out of his arms and turned back to the door just as I heard the French door open. I ignored it, stepping out into the storm, groaning at the pain in my knee.

I waited in the cold, and in the snow by Kendall's car, not caring if I got sick, or if I froze. I just couldn't be in that bakery. Luckily I didn't have to wait for very long because a few minutes after I left, Kendall came walking out zipping up his jacket. He walked right to me shoved my arms down at my sides and grabbed my face making me look at him. "Kendall what…" He leaned in fast, silencing me and kissed me hard. And passionately. I had to grip onto his jacket just so I wouldn't fall. And that seemed to egg him on even more. He bit on my bottom lip, making me gasp out, allowing him to swipe his tongue in and around my mouth. I moaned in complete ecstasy finally closing my eyes and moved my hands down to his hips we rei held gently. One of his hands held around my neck loosely while the other hand slipped down to my ass and squeezed softly. Just as I started to get into it and kiss him back eh pulled away. I opened my eyes falling back onto his car and watched him turn back to the bakery where both James and Carlos were standing. They had open mouths, probably the same reaction I had. Kendall walked all the way around his car and got in slamming the door, telling me I also had to jump in. When my door shut the car was going backwards and he was peeling out of the parking lot.

We sat in silence as he drove to God knows where. I could not get the taste of his lips off my brain and all I wanted was to kiss him again. I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't even hear him sniffling, until I felt the car jolt to a stop. I turned to him fast and swallowed hard seeing him wiping his face and taking off his seatbelt. I also took mine off and sighed out sinking in my seat a little. "You alright?" He shook his head fast again wiping at his face and I glance out the front window at the empty parking lot we were parked in. "What did Carlos say about it?"

"Well…he was drunk. James came over to comfort him. Then they had sex behind the counter and in the kitchen. Three times. James piped in after you left. He had to dig the knife deeper in my back telling me it was my fault you and Carlos weren't together and since you guys aren't, he's allowed to see whoever he wants." I nodded and turned to see him looking down at his hands in his lap. "And then James said I had no right to get mad at who my best friend was with, even if it was him. And then I left."

"And the kiss?" He looked up to me fast and I reached out quick wiping his face free of tears. "Give them a taste of their own medicine?" He shrugged looking down, pressing his face into my hand. "We both know James. He's manipulative and a little psychotic. This kind of behavior should be expected. Carlos…well…you know him a little better than me. I didn't know he would be capable of something like this."

"I didn't either." My heart broke hearing Kendall's sad voice. I lifted up the seat dived between the two of us and scooted as close to him as I could get. He immediately fell into my lap holding around me. I wrapped one arm round his head while the other rubbed his back over his big puffy jacket. "I know I ruined everything between you and Carlos. I'm sorry."

"Stop…trust me…I'm over him. Today really made that clear to me." He sniffled, no longer crying and I sighed out. "You kept saying I'm a good guy and I deserve better, but it's really you. You deserve a guy who would never hurt you like this. And you deserve better friends, no offense." He chuckled pushing off of me and sat up. We stayed relatively close, with one of my arms around his back. One of his hands fell on my thigh as he wiped at his face. "And I think the first step to that is getting em fed." He turned ot me quick and I smirked shaking my head. "I mean you fed. Food will do you good." He laughed nodding and patted my leg gently. I smiled down at my lap as I started to scoot back to my seat but something stopped me. Rather, Kendall stopped me. I turned to face him, and saw I was being watched. His hand was tight on my leg, and it almost made me say something but eh cut me off. By pressing his lips into mine, softly at first. It was nothing like the last kiss he gave me. This one seemed more…real. And it was real enough to make me excited. Excited enough to start to lay back as he pushed over me. He got me on my back, with my bad leg dangling off the seat, and my good knee bent allowing him to lie in-between them. He pressed his groin into mine making both of us moan and start to undress each other. He sat up slowly pulling off his coat an di breathed out hard. I sat up a little and tossed my coat toe h back of his car and laid back down as his fingers started to tug at my zipper on my jeans. I ran a hand through my hair as we locked eyes and thought…when in Rome.

**I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY! ITS BEEN A MONTH SINCE I'VE UPDATED AND I KNOW YOU GUYS HATE THAT. I MOVED. YAY! BUT ITS NO EXCUSE FOR BEING NEGLECTFUL! BUT I'VE UPDATED AND ITS GOING TO BE DAILY NOW…HOEPFULLY! I LVOE THAT YOU GUYS ARE PATIENT! THANK YOU FOR THAT! AS ALWAYS REVIEW!**

**ALSO…SO I WANNA DO A BIG TIME RUSH HALLOWEEN TYPE STORY, SORT OF A COLLECTION OF ONE SHOTS. IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING THEY WANT TO READ…PAIRINGS, SLASH OR O/C. LET ME KNOW. XOXO**


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